Of the approximately 26.2 million American kids, ages 12 to 17, millions of them are probably exactly where they told their parents they would be: the mall, the high 黄色app dance, the 鈥渒ick back鈥� at Aidan鈥檚 house. You know Aidan? He鈥檚 the honors student who never gets in trouble.
But let鈥檚 be real. There are, in all probability, millions of other teens who aren鈥檛 anywhere close to where they told their parents they were going. Teens hone the life skill of telling Mom or Dad what they want to hear because they figure if they told the truth, their parents鈥� heads would explode. Plus, teens crave at least some privacy and autonomy, which is also developmentally appropriate. So when your teen tells you they鈥檙e headed to the movies or the mall, how do you know they鈥檙e telling you the truth? And if they鈥檙e not, where are they going?
The bracing truth is that in the 21st century, a teen is often seeking out and doing what teens have done for decades. Hanging out with other teens.
Teens hang out… there?
Jerusha Clark, co-author of , says that if you鈥檙e on the lookout for teens in the wild, it鈥檚 not too hard to find them because they鈥檒l be where there are other teens.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 why you鈥檒l find them hanging out in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven,鈥� he says. 鈥淓ven if it seems like there鈥檚 nothing going on there, the point is that other teens are there.鈥�
鈥淏asements are big,鈥� psychologist John Duffy says, especially the basement where no parent is to be seen within a quarter-mile radius. Duffy, author of , has been working with teens for 20 years. And while basements and parking lots seem like pretty benign places to be, Duffy confirms that, yes, teens of all stripes 鈥渢ell me they are often not entirely honest about where they hang out. I don鈥檛 want kids to sound too dastardly, but by and large, lots of times they aren鈥檛 where they say they are.鈥�
Risky business at those teen hangouts
A lot has changed since you were a teenager, but one thing hasn鈥檛: Teens are thrill seekers by nature. The reason, Clark says, is the teen brain is programmed to want more. Clark says that it鈥檚 basic teen chemistry: teens are looking for that dopamine 鈥渉igh鈥� that makes them 鈥渘aturally drawn to situations and places where their dopamine will be raised.鈥� Dopamine, explains Clark, is a neurotransmitter that, among other functions, gives us a pleasurable reward when stimulated.
And technology has altered the landscape for today鈥檚 teenagers, enabling them to seek out new possibilities for adventure, trouble, and outwitting their parents. Once they get bored with hanging out in the parking lot or the basement, all they need to do is reach for the miraculous screen tucked in their back pocket.
There鈥檚 the fad of taking selfies documenting daredevil stunts: standing on one foot, the other hanging in mid-air, on the roof of a tall building or even climbing up a crane. Then there鈥檚 the classically misguided, mid-getting-stoned selfie, which can live online forever for prospective colleges and employers to see. 鈥淏y taking a picture and putting it up online,鈥� says Duffy, 鈥測ou are verifying that you鈥檙e out and, well, you鈥檙e 14.鈥� There’s nothing cooler than that.
Then there are the stories that make parents cringe and want to track their child’s every move.
Evasive maneuvers and counter measures
One clever way that teens get away with their adolescent antics is by setting up a second Instagram account that they call 鈥淔insta,鈥� as in 鈥渇ake insta,鈥� to which their parents are invited. So your child might put a picture with their friends at the mall on this Instagram account. If they鈥檙e up to no good, they can say, 鈥淵ou can look at my account. See, I was just where I said I would be.鈥�
Or they might tell you where they鈥檙e going and just omit a few key details. Bruce Cameron, a counselor who works with adolescents in the Dallas, Fort Worth metroplex and has a 15-year-old son, says kids often go where they say for a short time, until they move on to the next spot, which their parents may not know about. 鈥淟ike any good lie,” he says, “there鈥檚 a kernel of truth in it.鈥�
To keep one step ahead of teens getting into risky business, Cameron recommends that parents supply teens with a cell phone battery charge case to head off the 鈥淢y phone died鈥� excuse. These
Basic smartphone tracking and find-a-friend apps are simple ways to keep track of your teen鈥檚 whereabouts when you suspect he’s being less than forthcoming. But unless you are a programmer for Google, your teenager may be one step ahead of you. Duffy says he鈥檚 even heard tales of kids who don鈥檛 want their parents to know where they鈥檙e going putting their phone in a Ziplock bag in the bushes outside the A+ student’s house (Aidan again!) and then continuing on their merry (and untraceable) way. 鈥淚 admire the ingenuity,鈥� he admits.
The power of talk and trust
Take note, however, that even though tracking devices and teen avoidance measures abound, the research shows an authoritative parenting style 鈥� that is, one that is calm and kind while also setting firm limits 鈥� yields the most open, honest relationships with teens. Therefore, it’s your best chance of knowing where they flock (and what happens when they get there).
When your teen seems evasive, it’s important to remember that teens are most often spotted doing organized, meaningful activities 鈥� and the busier they are with constructive pursuits, the more likely they are to keep themselves out of trouble. Anna* (*name has been changed), a college freshman from Rancho Cucamonga, CA, says she had little time in high 黄色app for anything but 黄色app and extracurriculars. 鈥淚 took all honors and AP classes. I was in the marching band and sometimes we had had 12 hours of practicing. It took up so much of our time we couldn鈥檛 do anything else.鈥� With one exception: Anna, a musician, loved to see concerts, so when she would go, 鈥淚 was pretty honest with them. I tell them almost everything,鈥� says Anna, who describes her relationship with her parents as 鈥渧ery open.”
Professor Nancy Darling, in the psychology department at Oberlin College, has been researching teens and honesty for decades. She says 98 percent of teens lie to their parents. It’s a worldwide (read: not just American) issue, she says. (Read more about this research in our article, When teens lie (because they all do).) Parents should take heart, though, because some lying is developmentally appropriate. According to Duffy, it’s part of a teen’s rebellion, which is a healthy part of establishing a personal point of view that’s separate from their parents’. Some rebellion, at least, is so normal that Duffy says he’d worry more about a teen who never, ever broke the rules or told a fib.
As if to illustrate perfectly, Anna adds, “But I wouldn鈥檛 tell them the whole truth. I would say I鈥檓 going to the show, but I would just tell them what would make them feel safe. They wouldn鈥檛 know there were mosh pits,鈥� or that inevitably the police would come to break up the crowd and arrest rowdy kids. 鈥淚t would get wild, but my friends and I knew to leave right away.鈥�
Luke* (*name has been changed), an 18-year-old from San Francisco who is headed to college in the fall, credits his parents for keeping him from dangerous situations and spots. They hold him accountable, he explains, and basically expect him to be a responsible and good kid. 鈥淢y parents set me up well,鈥� says Luke. 鈥淭hey talk to me a lot.鈥� So although he went to a lot of parties, and even held many of his own that sometimes spun out of control, swarmed by tougher teens looking for trouble, he has graduated without getting into it himself. 鈥淭hey trust me to make good choices.鈥�
