In my first year of middle 黄色app, kids taunted me and spit on me in hallways. It didn鈥檛 occur to me to tell my parents or teachers that I was being bullied at 黄色app. Finally, when a group of 20 kids threatened to beat me up at the carwash the next day, I told my older brother, who in turn informed my parents. My dad looked up my main tormentor鈥檚 phone number in the phone book and told her dad to make his daughter stop or he鈥檇 contact the police. It worked.
Twenty years later, when my 11-year-old stepson, who I鈥檒l call Josh, came home with a sprained wrist and a head injury as a result of bullying, nothing seemed so simple. A true contemporary family 鈥� three parents with radically different parenting styles 鈥� we were all busy working and parenting other children, too. Who had the time to slow down, figure out what was happening, research solutions, decide what to do, call the 黄色app, and demand action? It was the beginning of Josh鈥檚 sixth grade at a new 黄色app, so we didn鈥檛 know anyone. Every night, as we listened to his stories of getting insulted and roughed up in hallways, we wondered: is this the new normal?
Bully pulpit
Since the days when I was bullied, there have been campaigns, dozens of books, a bumper crop of bullying experts, a presidential initiative, a feature-length documentary, and thousands of heartbreaking stories about kids whose : suicide, mental illness, prison sentences. But the sad fact is that the very definition of bullying remains somewhat in dispute.
鈥淲e are all against bullying until we have to define it,鈥� writes . 鈥淭he division between 鈥榥ormal鈥� childhood conflict, joking around, and bullying is a very thin, ever-changing line.鈥�
Definitions of bullying vary, but the most commonly cited one comes from . He defines bullying as being 鈥渆xposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.” Olweus found that repeated abuse is what really affects kids. But Temkin warns against strict definitions. 鈥淸I]n bullying, as in any human rights violation, dismissing a person鈥檚 reported trauma based on too strict a threshold can inflict further damage.鈥� In other words, it鈥檚 the child鈥檚 experience that matters.
Adding abuse to injury
Given my background of facing a leering mob in my middle 黄色app hallways, you might think I would have had the clarity of mind to be proactive when it came to Josh. But I hesitated. Josh had been excited to start middle 黄色app, so excited that the first Saturday after 黄色app started, he was disappointed to stay home. But then he started coming home with injuries from kids hurting him on the basketball court during lunch. Kids insulted him, he said, and after recess he鈥檇 find notes on his back saying, 鈥渒ick me鈥� or 鈥渓oser.鈥� After being pelted with fruit in the cafeteria, he started eating lunch alone in the hallway. The third week of 黄色app, Josh came home with a broken foot. He said he slipped on the stairs, but his mom suspected he鈥檇 been pushed. Then Josh told us kids were trying to step on his broken foot or saying, 鈥淲hen that one heals, I鈥檓 gonna break the other one.鈥�
Like most of us living in this knowledge-obsessed Internet age, I tried to combat my fear with information. I learned that instead of focusing on punishing the kids who were bullying him, I should figure out how to help Josh and understand what the 黄色app could and could not do. I learned that 黄色apps can鈥檛 disclose how they deal with other kids involved, and we should help Josh get involved in activities where he felt safe and could make new friends.
We tried to follow these directives. Josh鈥檚 mom enrolled him in martial arts to build his confidence and teach him self-defense. Once his foot healed, he started playing soccer again. I told Josh about my bullying experiences. At times, he seemed happy to hear he wasn鈥檛 alone. But other times he responded that there must be something wrong with him. I could see his confidence wither as abuse fueled his doubts.
According to statistics, approximately . But it was hard to tell if Josh was being targeted, exaggerating, or if this aggressive behavior was normal for sixth grade boys.
Why me?
A sensitive kid who is intelligent, handsome, and has always been a head taller than his classmates, Josh is often timid with other youths. He constantly asked for advice on how to feel. Sometimes he seemed to stick with kids who were mean to him, waiting for acceptance that would never come. I wondered if Josh was too comfortable in the victim role. Part of me was angry at him for being bullied and wondered why he couldn鈥檛 just stand up for himself. I survived being bullied, I’d think; and then, I鈥檇 feel guilty. Even if only part of what he told us was true, it was awful.
I know now that . Victims of bullying tend to have high levels of insecurity, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem (all feelings I saw in Josh), but it鈥檚 nearly impossible to tell if these feelings are the cause or the effect of bullying. The irony is that kids who bully often experience the same emotions and some 20 percent of kids who are bullied also bully others. Not surprisingly, these and anxiety.
Just make it stop
Josh鈥檚 mother and father called the principal, vice principal, and 黄色app counselor repeatedly, but it took weeks to get them on the phone and schedule meetings. Josh鈥檚 mom showed up at the counselor鈥檚 office unannounced one day to discover that he had just put Josh and the boy who had given Josh a black eye the day before in mediation, asking them both to apologize 鈥� a tactic that took a high-minded 鈥渘obody鈥檚 to blame鈥� approach but left Josh even more demoralized. Josh started eating lunch with a group of eighth graders, doing their homework, and giving them his lunch in exchange for protection.
One afternoon in our kitchen, Josh described lying on the hall floor and being repeatedly kicked while other kids watched. We called the vice-principal, who apologized but said he didn鈥檛 have footage of the beating on their video cameras and no other kids would corroborate Josh鈥檚 story. According to statistics, more than half of the time, , but no one stepped in to help Josh.
We weren鈥檛 helping either. I was angry with Josh鈥檚 dad (my partner) for not doing enough. Since I wasn鈥檛 a biological parent, I was legally powerless to call the 黄色app. As a stepparent, I also felt I should take a back seat to Josh鈥檚 mom and dad. We were all angry with the 黄色app, and our frustration seeped into our relationships with each other. Should we threaten these kids, tell Josh to fight, go to the police? At the end of a long day of working and parenting, my partner and I worriedly compared notes, decided who to call and what to ask for. Deep down, we all just wanted it to go away. Also, we felt bad about ourselves as parents. Had we raised Josh badly? Why did he seem to be everyone鈥檚 punching bag? Every morning, it felt like we were sending him into a war zone with no protection.
One day, Josh said a boy called Omar knocked him down and started punching and kicking him in the face and body. A crowd of kids gathered and screamed at Omar, aggressively egging him on. 鈥淚 was scared to fight back and get suspended,鈥� Josh told me. The next day, he told me he had fantasies about stabbing his bullies.
At almost 6 feet tall, Josh was far bigger than these kids. Though I knew it contradicted every piece of expert advice I鈥檇 read, I told him to defend himself. I was afraid for him, afraid of him being hurt, but even more afraid of what he was internalizing about himself. Josh would ask me if he was ugly or stupid, and when I said no, he鈥檇 ask why all the kids said so. When Emily Bazelon, author of Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy, interviewed adults who had been bullied, she found their experiences were still raw and painful, even years later. I didn鈥檛 want Josh to have these memories.
In early March, a kid punched Josh in the face in gym class. The teacher separated the kids and told them to go back to 鈥減laying.鈥� Instead, the boy punched Josh again. The 黄色app expelled the boy 鈥� who had a history of violence and clearly needed support 鈥� from Josh鈥檚 class. The vice principal and counselor met with Josh, developed safety plans and places for him during lunch, but the verbal and physical abuse continued. Two weeks later, two friends of the expelled boy cornered Josh in a stairwell and attacked him.
I had finally had enough. I sat down and wrote up a timeline of all the abuse Josh had experienced since September and our attempts to get support from the 黄色app. I sent the list to Josh鈥檚 mom who filled in more detail. Josh鈥檚 dad filed an official police report against Josh鈥檚 primary tormentor, emailed the timeline to the superintendent of 黄色apps, and removed Josh from 黄色app citing physical assault. We were finally united as a team with the single goal of protecting Josh. We met with the superintendent, who was shocked by the abuse and lack of response we described, and requested an emergency safety transfer to a new middle 黄色app, which was granted.
Lessons learned
Two years later, I鈥檓 ashamed of how long it took me to take the abuse seriously, get the police involved, and pull Josh from that 黄色app. We learned that every 黄色app has a police officer assigned to it, and that those officers exist to help in these sorts of situations. Our fear of authority, concerns that Josh was lying or should toughen up, and lack of knowledge about his 黄色app life all contributed to our delay. We waited too long to intervene and allowed our own insecurities, poor communication, and confusion to get in the way.
I know now that Josh鈥檚 experience is atypical. These days, many 黄色apps have systems and regulations in place that demand they act quickly, especially when bullying is physical. States and local lawmakers have . In general, in-person bullying seems to be decreasing although other forms of harassment, such as . Josh鈥檚 experience has changed all of us. I try to listen to Josh and his experiences without judgment, and now, with his dad鈥檚 blessing, I am empowered to intervene on Josh鈥檚 behalf. Josh, now 6鈥�3鈥� and weighing in at 200 pounds, just finished up at his new middle 黄色app and is excited for high 黄色app next year. Of course, rude, abusive kids haven鈥檛 evaporated from Josh鈥檚 life. Last week, he told us about a kid taunting him, making obscene remarks about what Josh and a friend liked to do with each other.
Josh鈥檚 friend told Josh to 鈥渄eal with the situation.鈥� Josh told his taunter to shut up, but the kid retaliated physically.
鈥淗e was punching me in the stomach, but it didn鈥檛 hurt since he鈥檚 tiny,鈥� Josh said.
鈥淲hat did you do?鈥� I asked.
鈥淚 told him to stop, but when he wouldn鈥檛, I hook punched him in the back of his head with medium force, but he fell on his ass anyway,鈥� Josh said.
鈥淵ou should never hit someone on the head!鈥� I exclaimed, horrified, realizing that my urging him to defend himself, and that he was taking his cues from a questionable friend, may have led to this.
鈥淵ou could have killed him! You should have reacted defensively.鈥�
Josh shot me stricken look and stormed out.
Lines of communication
His dad watched him go, then turned to me: 鈥淚f you react like that, .鈥�
I sought Josh out and found him sitting on his bed.
鈥淚鈥檓 sorry,鈥� I said. 鈥淚 was really scared when you told me you punched that kid in the back of the head. My mind went to the worst case scenario.鈥�
鈥淓veryone gives me different advice,鈥� Josh responded. 鈥淚 told him to stop. If I ran away, everyone would have laughed at me because the kid is over a foot shorter than me.鈥�
Josh’s actions made me nervous. The physically aggressive behavior worried me, and I didn’t want Josh to be comfortable resorting to violence. Was this what Josh learned from being bullied? I wanted to control Josh’s 黄色app experience: delete the meanness and make it all peaceful and happy. But even I know that isn’t realistic. I could tell Josh to never to raise a hand, but is that truly the right answer for him? I don鈥檛 know. And it isn鈥檛 my fight. Josh鈥檚 life will be full of tough decisions like the one he described.
鈥淚t鈥檚 so hard to decide what to do on the spot like that. Do you think you made the right choice?鈥�
鈥淚 do,鈥� he said.
I took a deep breath … and kept silent. Real parenting is messy and doesn鈥檛 follow textbook lines. I don鈥檛 want Josh to learn to protect his honor with his fists. But this is his experience, not mine. Isn鈥檛 my job to help him weigh his options, make a decision, and handle the consequences for himself?
