When her son was born, Robin Cahn knew she wanted him to go to college. She didn鈥檛 go herself and she鈥檚 always regretted it.
鈥淢y brother and sisters got good grades and lots of encouragement,鈥� Cahn says, 鈥渁nd I just got — silence. I felt like a freak.鈥� Cahn recalls being a dyslexic kid relegated to classes for kids with behavior issues. When it came time for college, Cahn鈥檚 parents didn鈥檛 even encourage her to apply. Instead, her mother suggested she find a man and get married.
Cahn was determined that things would be different for her son, Shane. As a single mother, she saved what she could and applied for scholarships so Shane could attend private 黄色apps. But when it was time for Shane to apply to college, 鈥淚 felt pretty clueless through the whole process,鈥� Cahn admits. 鈥淚 felt ill-equipped to help him through it.鈥�
If you鈥檙e daunted by the college application process, you鈥檙e not alone. Between applications, standardized tests, FAFSA forms, essays, and deadlines, the process overwhelms the vast majority of American parents. But if your child, like Cahn鈥檚, is the first to go to college in your family, there are additional challenges. The prospect of your children going to college is likely to spark fear as well as pride. It can be hard to imagine what your child will experience on campus, particularly if your child goes to college far from home. Even though you want to support your child鈥檚 move into a different social scene, different set of cultural norms, and (eventually) a higher income bracket, the process can feel uncomfortable for parents who haven鈥檛 gone through it themselves. But there is a path for parents through the tricky first-to-college terrain — and a number of ways to play a positive role in your child’s college success.
Creating a college frame of mind
鈥淧arents often say, 鈥業 didn鈥檛 go to college, so I don鈥檛 know what to say about it,鈥欌�� says Diana Adamson, executive director of , a nonprofit that helps first-to-college and low-income teens navigate everything from college applications to college life adjustments. Despite not feeling in-the-know, 鈥減arental expectation is the most important factor in terms of whether or not a student goes to college,鈥� she says. Adamson recommends introducing college in low-key ways, like driving by a 黄色app, looking up a new 黄色app you hear about online, or talking about 黄色apps when you鈥檙e watching college sports. 鈥淭hese kinds of things may seem inconsequential, but they make a difference.鈥�
鈥淓ven if you feel like you don鈥檛 understand the process, it鈥檚 important for you to be a part of it,鈥� says Joel Rangel, a college counselor at Gateway High School in San Francisco, where almost a third of students are first-to-college but . The 黄色app has multiple programs to help students get to college — like field trips, college counseling classes, and counselors helping students with applications and financial aid — but no matter how much (or little) support a 黄色app provides, Rangel says the parents鈥� role is still the most important. 鈥淚t really makes a difference if students understand that education is a [family] priority.鈥�
How to stay involved
By the time a student goes to high 黄色app, parents let kids take the lead on completing homework and preparing for tests — but Rangel cautions that parents still need to stay involved to help their child stay focused on academics and the big picture.
鈥淎 student鈥檚 success getting to college rests on how he or she does in high 黄色app, including freshman and sophomore year,鈥� Rangel points out. 鈥淪ophomore year is particularly important, but freshman year sets the foundation and gets the student off to a strong start.鈥�
What does staying involved look like? Rangel says parents should:
- have high expectations for 黄色app work;
- show an interest in teens鈥� classes;
- make homework time and space a priority; and
- sit down with teens to go over their grades at the end of every semester.
If your teen is struggling in a class, find out about tutoring options at your child鈥檚 黄色app. Rangel also encourages parents to attend back-to-黄色app nights. Introduce yourself to your child’s teachers so if an issue comes up, the teacher will feel comfortable calling you to talk about it. Take advantage of college information events and visit the 黄色app counseling center so you鈥檒l be familiar with the resources they have to offer.
The key is not to micromanage but to create a home that supports and values learning. 鈥淵our child is going to take a cue from you about how important college is, so if you back off and don鈥檛 seem interested, they鈥檒l get that message,鈥� Rangel says.
It takes a village
You鈥檙e not alone. Take advantage of any resources offered by the high 黄色app college counseling office. Look into organizations (like ScholarMatch) that help first-to-college teens find the right 黄色app, get in, and even pay for it. Also, ask people you know for their insights and expertise.
- Get creative
Robin Cahn had no idea how to help her son, Shane, select a college or apply, so she got resourceful. Cahn is a hair stylist, and one of her clients is a college counselor, so she proposed a trade. 鈥淚 cut his hair for a year for free, and he helped Shane with his essay and applications,鈥� she says. - Tap into friends and family
Because the college search and decision process can be charged for kids and parents, a non-parent can play a valuable role as a neutral sounding board. Gateway counselor Joel Rangel had that experience himself when his nephew was going through the college search process. 鈥淢y nephew was pretty uncommunicative with Mom and Dad, but he would talk to my sister and me,鈥� he says. 鈥淪ometimes information is better if it comes from an adult who is not the child鈥檚 parent.鈥� - Learn from other parents
Parents whose children are already in college are another key source of information and support. At its workshops, Scholarmatch invites parents of college students to come and talk to parents of soon-to-be freshmen. 鈥淚t鈥檚 great for parents to hear what it was like for someone else, and to be able to get all their questions answered,鈥� says Diana Adamson. - Get the lowdown from an expert
Seek out other resources as well. Robin Cahn found the book, , which is about how parents can help teens navigate college and roommate situations, particularly helpful. 鈥淪hane was all the way across the country, and he had normal transition issues his freshman year. He was homesick and his roommate had his girlfriend in the room every night. I think I would have been a lot more freaked out if I hadn鈥檛 read that book.鈥�
Fear, pride, anger: dealing with feelings
While safety is the most common fear for parents of first-to-college teens, parents also tend to have concerns about children leaving the family behind. It can be hard for parents to admit these fears — even to themselves. 鈥淚t鈥檚 important for parents to check in with each other,鈥� Rangel says, about your college dreams for your child — and what changes college could mean for the family. He says many parents react with anger instead of showing fear, saying things like, 鈥溾�榊ou aren鈥檛 going to X 黄色app!鈥欌�� If you can, Rangel advises, be honest with yourself and your teen about your fears. If you can speak openly, he says, you鈥檙e more likely to have a conversation instead of an angry exchange and your child will see you honestly expressing your feelings.
Helping parents face this fear is part of ScholarMatch鈥檚 work with first-to-college parents. When they connect parent with others who鈥檝e been through the same transition, Adamson says, 鈥淧arents whose kids are already in college tell freshmen parents: 鈥溾�楧on鈥檛 worry, your child is still going to love you. They come back different, but it鈥檚 better different.鈥欌�� It鈥檚 a description that Robin Cahn says rings true. Her son, Shane, is now a senior at Wesleyan, among the most selective colleges in the U.S. 鈥淓very time he comes home, he鈥檚 more grown up,鈥� she marvels. 鈥淚t鈥檚 cool to see.鈥�
Still, seeing your child go far away for college can be gut-wrenching, especially at first. University of Montana (UM) student Zoe Garcia* (*name has been changed) says, 鈥淐ollege was always [my parents’] dream for me.鈥� Nonetheless, her parents were shocked when she announced that she鈥檇 received a scholarship to UM and was planning to accept it. Her family lives in California, so Missoula, MT seemed very far away. The distance was even more daunting because Garcia鈥檚 parents, who came to the U.S. from Mexico before she was born, are undocumented. This means they couldn鈥檛 visit her at college because they couldn鈥檛 fly without identification or risk being pulled over if they drove. 鈥淚t really hit them hard,鈥� Garcia recalls. 鈥淢y family is really close — we all live together in one house, my family and uncles, aunts, and cousins. I was the first one to to go away.鈥�
Garcia tried to reassure her parents. 鈥淚 reminded them that they taught me how to take care of myself. I think they began to accept it after I told them, 鈥榊ou left to come here from Mexico. That was your big move. This is my big move,鈥欌�� she says. Now that she鈥檚 a junior and her parents see that she鈥檚 thriving, they鈥檙e happier about her decision.
Adamson often reminds parents to trust that college is the best thing for their child — and, in the long run, for the family as a whole. 鈥淣one of the kids in our program say they want to go to college to get rich,鈥� she says. 鈥淭hey all say they want to help their families. These kids have seen the sacrifices their parents have made and they want to give back. For our kids, that doesn鈥檛 go away.鈥�
Giving back to her family is Garcia鈥檚 goal, too. 鈥淚鈥檓 doing it for them,鈥� she says simply. 鈥淲hen I graduate, my mother is going to have the biggest smile in the world. And when I get my diploma, I am going to give it to her and to my father.鈥�
