Just when the tantrums have subsided and you think it鈥檚 safe to take your child on an extended shopping trip again, don鈥檛 be surprised if you encounter another land mine in the checkout line.
鈥淢ommy, how did the baby get into that lady鈥檚 tummy?鈥� your 5-year-old asks in a loud voice, pointing at the very pregnant woman in front of you.
As unnerving as such questions often are for parents, they鈥檙e completely normal. 鈥淚n pre黄色app, kids start noticing and asking questions about how mom and dad have different body parts,鈥� says , a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Auburndale, WI. 鈥淭hen, by the time they turn 5, the curiosity about body parts turns into a preoccupation with where babies come from.鈥�
At my own house, the conversation began even earlier. At 2, my daughter spotted a scar on my stomach, and I fumbled my way through a TMI explanation of a C-section: my first sex talk fail.
That first (uncomfortable) sex question
Whether the first sex question happens in private or very much in public, it catches almost every parent off guard.
, an Oakland, CA, blogger, says she never worried about the “sex talk.”
鈥淚 didn鈥檛 think it would be a big deal,” says Alcorn, who has three children. “I鈥檓 progressive. I鈥檓 body positive. I鈥檒l make sure my kids know what they need to know.鈥�
Then, in the car one day, Alcorn’s second grade daughter announced that she wanted to marry a girl because she didn鈥檛 want to die in childbirth.
鈥淚 was just floored,鈥� Alcorn says. 鈥淏ut I tried to gather my thoughts and address her concerns one by one. I said, first of all, it鈥檚 really rare that people die in childbirth, and I don鈥檛 think that would happen to you. Second of all, it鈥檚 fine if you want to marry a girl, and you don鈥檛 have to decide now. Finally, you can adopt a baby whether you鈥檙e with a boy or a girl.鈥�
Alcorn was proud of herself for dealing with her daughter’s questions with such aplomb 鈥� but in the end her child got the last word. 鈥淪he said, 鈥業 still want to marry a girl because I think kissing boys is gross and anyway, I don鈥檛 want to have sex.鈥� I couldn鈥檛 believe the sex talk snuck up on me without me being prepared for it!鈥�
Why you should talk sooner rather than later
Although teenagers today are waiting longer to have sex, shows that 13 percent have had sex by age 15, and by their 19th birthday, seven in 10 teens have had intercourse. And because young adults are not marrying until their mid-20s, on average, this means they鈥檙e at increased risk for unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
So even though talking to your young child 鈥� pre黄色app to fifth grade 鈥� about sex may seem premature, it鈥檚 actually the ideal time to do it. As your child enters her tweens and teens and becomes self-conscious about her body and about personal matters in general, it will become increasingly difficult to raise the issue. Take advantage of this window of opportunity to create a foundation of openness and honesty with your child.
鈥淭his stuff is very hard and complicated to talk about, but for me it is a health issue,鈥� says , a former teacher and now celebrated author of a series of children鈥檚 books about sex and the body, including It’s Perfectly Normal, and Who Has What. 鈥淚 write these books because I feel that this is part of life, and it’s okay to wonder about it. It鈥檚 important not just to kids鈥� physical health, but also to their emotional health.鈥�
Not one talk, but many
Most experts agree that 鈥渢he talk鈥� really isn鈥檛 a talk anymore, but an ongoing conversation, one that starts much earlier than it did even a few decades ago.
鈥淟imiting your child鈥檚 education about sex to a single talk produces an atmosphere of shame,鈥� says ., a child and adolescent psychiatrist and medical director of Solutions Psychiatric Associates in Los Gatos, CA. 鈥淐hildren will definitely ask, and if a parent has in his mind that a 5-year-old isn鈥檛 ready for 鈥榯he talk,鈥� then he gets flustered and says, 鈥楪o ask your mother,鈥� and then the mother gets flustered. Kids are great at detecting discomfort, so by the time 鈥榯he talk鈥� comes around at puberty, they鈥檝e got the idea that sex is shameful and bad, and that鈥檚 going to stick with them forever.鈥�
Instead, make it an ongoing, low-key dialogue between you and your child that begins when they are very young and goes on throughout their tween and teenage years.
What to say, how to say it
When it comes to sex, the best strategy is to let your child lead the discussion, rather than giving her a full-blown, lengthy presentation.
“In the very early ages, parents need to focus their efforts on really listening to their children and answering their questions truthfully,” says Saul. “At first, using the child鈥檚 own language to describe body parts is a good way to make kids comfortable; then you can teach them the actual names 鈥� penis, vagina, womb 鈥� as it becomes appropriate.”
Schwartz agrees that parents should let kids take the lead. 鈥淭he best approach with all kids is to only answer the question they ask,” she says. “One of the really beautiful things about young children is that they鈥檙e incredibly inquisitive. They have such a tremendous level of curiosity that you really don鈥檛 have to worry that they鈥檙e going to forget to ask. As they鈥檙e ready for the information, they will probe for it.鈥�
So when the questions start coming, give as brief and as honest an answer as you can and know that when they鈥檝e learned enough, they鈥檒l tune out 鈥� and that鈥檚 fine. Be prepared by having some age-appropriate books on hand before your child starts asking questions. Robie Harris recommends reading through the books by yourself first, to make sure you agree with the information and the way it’s presented. Books can help neutralize a charged topic; they also give your child the opportunity to do additional research on her own.
Kids are resilient
Don’t worry if you flub the sex conversation the first time 鈥� or even the second.
“We all make mistakes,鈥� says Schwartz, who has stumbled on the topic of sex with her own kids. 鈥淒on鈥檛 freak out if you don鈥檛 get things right. Remember: over the years you’ll get plenty of chances to ‘practice’ giving good information. Besides, lucky for us, kids are amazingly resilient.”
