Homework haters aren’t just kids — they’re parents, too. So says writer Bruce Feiler: 鈥淗eck, just drop the word into any conversation with families and watch the temperature rise,鈥� he wrote in .
Why does homework cause so much parental angst? I don鈥檛 think my parents hated homework 鈥� or ever gave it much thought. They jumped in if we needed help on a sticky math problem or a big science project, and once, when I left a 黄色app report on bird migration to the very last minute, my dad stayed up late to help me finish it 鈥� after giving me a lecture on procrastination. But overall they treated homework as our responsibility, and I鈥檓 certain it never caused them anxiety.
3 kids, 3 different homework styles
That was before tiger and helicopter parents, of course. Today, parents take a far more active role in their kids鈥� educational lives. Too active a role, in many cases. At a recent Back-to-School Night at an elementary 黄色app in a prosperous Bay Area suburb, one teacher told parents that she wouldn鈥檛 be assigning big homework projects. When a parent asked why, the teacher replied, 鈥淓veryone knows that the students don鈥檛 do those projects 鈥� their parents do.鈥�
Even if parents don鈥檛 overdo it, most wonder about their role — and that鈥檚 where the anxiety comes in: Should I be doing more? Am I doing too much? Should I develop rules, or just make my expectations clear?
My three kids have three different homework styles. My oldest is efficient, but slap-dash: he finishes as much as he can at 黄色app, and dispatches the rest as quickly as possible, while hunched in an uncomfortable-looking position on the floor in a corner of the living room. My other son is highly distractible: he鈥檒l stop mid-math problem to ponder the amazing cuteness of our cats, and then forget what he鈥檚 been doing. My daughter is a perfectionist so homework involves a lot of drama: tortured sighs, crumpled paper, and disquisitions on the idiocy of homework, her 黄色app, and education in general.
My role as a parent has been different with each child, too. Since my older son is satisfied if he produces the minimal viable homework product, I鈥檝e tried to encourage him to put in more effort; thankfully, over time he got that message from his teachers (who he鈥檚 more apt to listen to), too. By high 黄色app, my middle son figured out his own system for avoiding distractions: he holes up in his room with headphones on until his homework is done. With my daughter, I’ve figured out that things go best when I ignore the homework hurricanes.
Hands off homework
Like my parents, I鈥檝e learned to step out of the homework picture as much as possible. I make sure the kids set aside time for homework and make it a priority; create a comfortable, quiet, environment; provide snacks and encouragement. But I only intervene — sparingly — when asked. Actually, this what I try to do; I fail much of the time. As my kids can tell you, I鈥檝e done plenty of reminding, cajoling, and straight up nagging over the years. In retrospect, I don鈥檛 think that did much good. It may even have been counterproductive: when he was a junior, my younger son told me, 鈥淲hen you remind me to do homework, it just makes me not want to do it.鈥�
Even though I should know better, I still get caught up in homework dramatics. Just last night, I was making dinner while my daughter did her homework at the dining room table.
鈥淥h. My. God!!!鈥� she shouted suddenly. She was doing her homework by candlelight (I don鈥檛 know why and didn鈥檛 ask). At first I thought her hair, or her homework, was on fire. I rushed into the dining room. She was sitting, burn-free, peering irritably into her computer.
鈥淲hat happened?鈥� I cried.
She gave me a pitying, What are you freaking out about? expression. 鈥淣othing,鈥� she said calmly. 鈥淛ust a totally lame homework assignment.鈥�
Homework habits that work
In the end, every family has to create their own homework system. What it looks like will depend on the age, temperament, and abilities of your child. Try to remember that homework shouldn鈥檛 be about the final product (or the final grade), but about the process itself, and the skills your child is learning along the way. As Dell鈥橝ntonia puts it, 鈥溾�ne of the most valuable traits for anyone in doing any job is the ability to put aside distractions and simply do the work, regardless of how much it appeals to you at any given moment.鈥� To learn this lesson, your child may need to make some missteps, and even get a few bad grades — without nagging or a bailout from you.
Want to learn how other parents manage homework struggles? . We鈥檇 love to know what works for you. (Particularly if you have a homework drama queen!)
