鈥淒addy! You didn鈥檛 melt the cheese!鈥�
Our family of four just sat down for a lovely Mexican meal that I cooked, but already my teenage daughter is scolding me. Let鈥檚 call her 鈥淏laze.鈥�
鈥淗ey, honey鈥︹�� My voice is steady, but the arteries in my face are steadily engorging. 鈥淲hy can鈥檛 you say, 鈥楾hanks for providing me with food?鈥� Where鈥檚 your gratitude?鈥�
鈥淚 hate tacos with cold cheese,鈥� she fumes. 鈥淲hy can鈥檛 Mom cook?鈥�
She continues to talk about the indignities of cold cheese, but I鈥檓 not listening. This is not the first time I鈥檝e heard this inane first-world diatribe, but suddenly I鈥檓 determined it鈥檚 going to be my last.
鈥淵ou are SO RUDE!鈥� I thunder. “EVERY ** NIGHT! I CAN鈥橳 STAND IT ANY LONGER. GO TO YOUR ROOM!鈥�
I march her toward the stairs leading down to her bedroom. I slam the door behind her. My pounding heart smacks my ribs. My head floods with rage, hurt, insanity, and the urge to deliver punishment.
鈥淚 CAN鈥橳 EAT NOW,鈥� I proclaim to my wife and younger daughter. 鈥淚 – I – I鈥檓 going out for a walk鈥︹��
I stomp into the night. Alone with my wrath, throbbing in my skull like an infected pustule.
I text Paul, my Brit mate with gallows humor who I whinge with regularly over pints of Guinness. We鈥檙e afflicted with similar familial humiliations. 鈥淏laze makes me mad as a hatter,鈥� I thumb-type. 鈥淚 get no RESPECT.鈥�
鈥渞 wretched lives,鈥� he replies. 鈥渄eath is a holiday.鈥�
I鈥檝e emphatically explained to Blaze that I need respect, dozens of times, but she doesn鈥檛 comprehend me. No one in my house does, because I鈥檓 the only male. 鈥�Respect,鈥� the way I mean it, is a guy thing. My father returned from the Korean War to a growing brood of toddlers, a farm of 400 cows, and a clear sense of hierarchy. He expected respect 鈥� and got it. Now I do, too. The difference between us is that I never would have dared to speak to my father the way my daughter regularly speaks to me.
When I was a kid, getting insulted meant a fistfight. Taking crap from a smaller creature? Unacceptable. The only suitable response to getting dissed is to react like a male gorilla: chest-thump, growl, grimace, threaten violence, and establish dominance. I wasn鈥檛 one of the kids who got in fistfights, but those were the rules everyone played by.
Now that I鈥檓 a dad with a sassy-mouthed teenage daughter, my once amiable personality has mutated. I鈥檓 volatile around her, transformed by the stress-triggered cortisol running through my brain. Just the expectation of her insolence makes me tense.
My wife鈥檚 advice is 100 percent useless. At best, she offers jargon like, 鈥淚t鈥檚 not about you, it鈥檚 about her,鈥� or, 鈥淵ou have to be the adult.鈥� At worst, she insinuates that I鈥檓 the problem, that I need anger management.
Harrumph. I know I have a temper. As a theater director, I learned how to hold my own with temperamental actors shriek for shriek. As a business owner, my 鈥渃onstructive鈥� criticism reduced two employees to tears. Twelve years ago, I exploded at a close relative; our relationship has been icy ever since. But I鈥檓 also the guy who instituted Buddhist-inspired civil communication rules for a website whose community forum had gone to the trolls. And I鈥檓 the dad who steered clear of the numerous conflicts among the other parents in elementary 黄色app.
Seventeen years ago, before we had children, right after I wrote my Master鈥檚 thesis on haiku poetry in the Buddhist tradition, I went to an anger management workshop. I was interested in the concept of Ahimsa (nonviolence). I wanted to root out all the anger inside me; I wanted to be a vessel of peace.
The anger management class was held in a nondescript church basement in San Francisco. 鈥淗ello,鈥� said the soft-spoken facilitator. 鈥淧lease sit in a circle. Each of us can tell the group why we鈥檙e here.鈥�
As the introductions unfolded, I grew increasingly nervous. I was surrounded by鈥� wife beaters, road ragers, bar fighters, hair-trigger hoodlums. Everybody but me had been sent to anger management by a judge or parole officer. I was the lightweight poetry scholar who raised his voice once in a while, then felt guilty about it. I dropped out of the class.
鈥淏laze, I鈥檓 sorry,鈥� I apologize when I get home from my nighttime walk. 鈥淚 shouldn鈥檛 yell like that, I lost my temper.鈥� I sit next to her on the couch. We watch an old episode of Parks and Recreation and laugh. She says, 鈥淚t鈥檚 okay, Dad鈥� and snuggles against me.
But the next day 鈥� incredibly 鈥� it happens again. She鈥檚 stressed about her homework, 蝉丑别鈥檚 crabby, and everything is ticking her off. When I pick her up after 黄色app, she explodes at her adoring little sister who makes the mistake of cheerfully asking how her day was. 鈥淛ust shut up!鈥� Blaze yells at her. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to talk to you!鈥� The muscles in my back contract. I can barely drive. I hate it when 蝉丑别鈥檚 mean to her sister.
When we get home, Blaze stomps downstairs, then pauses at the threshold to her room. 鈥淲ho opened my door?鈥� she bellows. 鈥淣obody goes in my room!鈥�
鈥淚 had to let the cat out,鈥� I explain, patiently reiterating what she already knows. 鈥淭he only way to get to the yard is through your room.鈥�
鈥淭hen close the door behind you!鈥� she shouts. 鈥淚鈥檝e told you a million times, stay out of my room! Or close the door! I hate coming home and seeing my door open! Why can鈥檛 you listen?!?!?!鈥�
鈥淒ON鈥橳 YELL AT ME!鈥� I yell back, twice as loud, vibrating the walls. 鈥淵ou have to stop! It鈥檚 ABUSIVE! I鈥檓 sick and tired of your entitled little brat act.鈥�
鈥淭hat鈥檚 not nice,鈥� hisses my wife.
鈥淚t鈥檚 true,鈥� I retort. Then I鈥檓 off on another walk.
The following day, I interview Diana Divecha, a developmental psychologist who writes about parenting, children, and emotional intelligence on her blog, . She鈥檚 currently writing a book about teens and their emotional development. She’s exactly the expert I need.
I cut to the point. 鈥淗ow can I stop exploding at my daughter?鈥�
In neurological terms, she explains what my wife鈥檚 been saying all along, (鈥淚t鈥檚 not about you, it鈥檚 about her,鈥� and 鈥淵ou have to be the adult.鈥�) Blaze鈥檚 15-year-old prefrontal cortex is not fully developed, says Divecha, and it 鈥渨on鈥檛 be consolidated until age 25.鈥� This transitional period is a time of great confusion for her. Meanwhile, I should be patient, kind, and 鈥渁dult鈥� because I am the only one of us, theoretically at least, that has a fully formed prefrontal cortex. But what if my prefrontal cortex still seems to be鈥� evolving?
Divecha prescribes a cure from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, where 蝉丑别鈥檚 a researcher. The “惭别迟补-惭辞尘别苍迟鈥� is 鈥渁 tool for managing strong feelings.鈥�
鈥淚t asks you to pause between being triggered and responding,鈥� explains Divecha. 鈥淭his allows you to choose from a number of strategies, by engaging your own ) rather than your ). When you engage your rational mind, you can behave in a manner that is conscious, purposeful, and effective.鈥�
Translation: use the rational part of your brain to control your emotional, impulsive brain.
鈥溾�楢 number of strategies?鈥欌�� I probe. 鈥淵ou mean, different ways I can behave? Besides screaming?鈥�
She mentions common strategies I’ve heard before, like taking a few breaths or a time out. Then she adds: 鈥淥r you could think about a way that you could support the reputation that you want for yourself.鈥�
鈥淭he reputation I want for myself?鈥� I parrot.
鈥淚nvoke the image of your best parenting self,鈥� says Divecha.
鈥淥h my鈥� wow鈥︹�� I鈥檓 embarrassed by this revelation into better parenting consciousness. 鈥淚鈥檝e never ever thought like that,鈥� I confess. 鈥淚 just wander about, randomly reacting.鈥� The idea is so foreign, I need concrete examples.
“What is your own personal image of your own 鈥榖est parenting self鈥�?鈥� I ask her.
鈥淚 see an image of myself as warm, loving, and educating.鈥�
鈥淎nd what would your husband say?鈥�
鈥淗e would say warm, fun, and supportive.鈥�
I contemplate the Meta-Moment notion for a while and the entirely wild concept of me becoming a better parent and a better human, but then I get distracted by the whole prefrontal cortex explanation. I have trouble with that, due to my own upbringing. Intellectually, I understand the idea behind teenage neurology, but part of me doesn鈥檛 buy it. It feels like too easy an excuse for rude, disrespectful behavior.
As an authoritarian parent, my father kept his seven children in a well-behaved line. I didn鈥檛 try the excuse with him that my 鈥減refrontal cortex is not yet fully developed,鈥� but I鈥檓 100 percent sure he鈥檇 have scoffed at that 鈥斅燼nd given me two extra swats with his belt. Respect was learned quickly since the consequences were painful welts.
But I鈥檓 not my father. I don鈥檛 believe in corporal punishment. What are the present consequences for my daughter鈥檚 disrespectful behavior? There aren鈥檛 any, unless you define punishment as being told to go to your room until groveling Dad brings a cookie and a remorseful apology.
I need a 鈥渂ro鈥� with a testosterone-based POV to talk to, and I find one in Joe Kelly, the author of , , , and several other books I should have already memorized. .鈥�
Right off, Kelly groks my demand for 鈥渞espect,鈥� but his prognosis is grim.
鈥淔or most men,鈥� he agrees, 鈥渢he need for respect is very high.鈥� However common it may be, Kelly notes, it鈥檚 also a risk factor for destructive behavior. 鈥淢en who have been violent often say that their victim 鈥榙issed me鈥�,鈥� he says.
My concern with getting respect, coupled with my daughter鈥檚 budding teenage mind, makes for a volatile cocktail.
鈥淭here鈥檚 a natural tension between parents and children at that age about independence,鈥� Kelly explains. 鈥淭eenagers often times build up friction, they create conflict to make it emotionally okay for them to leave, to shoot away into the world. They are experimenting with creating distance to see how it feels. Sometimes their drama is conscious and intentional; sometimes it鈥檚 unconscious and instinctive. To create conflict鈥� teenagers, like your daughter, they know what their parents鈥� weak points are, and they go for those weak points. She鈥檚 testing you. Your daughter knows that your need for respect is a button that can be pushed.鈥�
鈥淪o it鈥檚 hopeless?鈥� I ask. 鈥淗er rudeness is developmentally鈥� valuable?鈥�
鈥淭he problem,鈥� explains Kelly, 鈥渋s less about what 蝉丑别鈥檚 doing, and more about how 测辞耻鈥檙别 reacting to it. This is not about you. It鈥檚 about her. She feels confused and upset; she hasn鈥檛 fully developed her impulse control and rationality, and 蝉丑别鈥檚 dealing with insecurities and complex girl relationships. What she needs from you is for you to be a rock, Hank, that she can push off against. Your job is to demonstrate your loyalty to her, support her and not go away. You鈥檙e the fng grownup, Hank.鈥�
Oh no. Once again. I鈥檓 supposed to be mature. And, obvious to everyone: I am not.
鈥淛oe,鈥� I ask feebly. 鈥淲hen 蝉丑别鈥檚 really out of line with her disrespect, is it all right鈥� to punish her?鈥�
鈥淭he best consequence,鈥� he explains, 鈥渋s never imposed in the heat of anger. And, in my opinion, the most effective way to influence your children is to be the person they want to emulate. Behave so they want to follow your example. Always remember the powerful, positive influence you can have as the first man in your daughter鈥檚 life.鈥�
鈥淏e the change鈥� isn鈥檛 the advice I am looking for, so I press for more words of wisdom. Instead, he delivers insult to injury.
鈥淏ecause you have daughters,鈥� he offers, 鈥渋t鈥檚 valuable to talk to women, like your wife, and get her perspective. Women remember what they were feeling as girls, so their perspective is valuable for you.鈥�
Despite my exposure as an idiot dad, the interviews with Diana Divecha and Joe Kelly fill me with hope. That night, I start a dialogue with my daughter about my newfound understanding.
鈥淏laze,鈥� I begin stupidly, 鈥淭oday I learned one of the reasons you act the way you do is because your prefrontal cortex is only partially developed.鈥�
鈥淗ank,鈥� my wife whispers a warning.
鈥淏ut it鈥檚 true,鈥� I weakly reply.
My daughter鈥檚 good mood makes her happily derisive. 鈥淵ou have no idea what 测辞耻鈥檙别 talking about,鈥� snorts Blaze. She gets A鈥檚 in science. Long ago, I foolishly confessed that I got C鈥檚.
I wanted to discuss all the fantastic information that could rescue our relationship, but my initial step was so awkward, I slunk to my room and ordered an Amazon-recommended book called by Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh.
I read the entire ebook immediately, staying up late into the night. Nhat Hanh recommends 鈥渕indfulness鈥� as the cure, the elixir to deal with one鈥檚 anger. I don鈥檛 quite understand yet what 鈥渕indfulness鈥� means, but apparently it can be attained just by walking and breathing. How hard can that be?
The 2,500-year-old insights of Siddhartha still carry therapeutic value, albeit clothed in modern psychology鈥檚 garb. For example, the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence鈥檚 Meta-Moment tool tightly resembles Nhat Hanh鈥檚 鈥渂reathing-in, breathing-out鈥� Zen advice. The word 鈥淢eta鈥� even mirrors 鈥淢etta,鈥� the Pali word for the meditation designed to develop compassion.
The first line in Nhat Hanh鈥檚 book is 鈥淭o be happy, to me, is to suffer less.鈥� I love this opening. When I was young, I disdained Buddhism鈥檚 central emphasis on suffering; I regarded it as negative, pessimistic. But that was 鈥淏C鈥� 鈥� before children. Now, I totally understand. I suffer, you suffer, we all suffer together. Especially families.
Nhat Hanh asserts that people filled with rage are suffering, and we should feel compassion for them. The next night, I try to instigate a new discussion with my daughter, following his advice.
鈥淏laze,鈥� I say quietly, with all the sincerity I am capable of, 鈥淚 hear anger in your voice when I pick you up from BART a few moments late. You are frequently filled with rage when my brushing my teeth awakens you. I know this anger inside you hurts; it鈥檚 causing great suffering. I鈥檓 sorry that I鈥檓 part of the cause. I have immense compassion in my heart for your deep and constant suffering.鈥�
鈥淒addy,鈥� says Blaze. 鈥淚f you keep talking like that, I Will Kill You.鈥� She walks to her room and locks the door.
Oops. She鈥檚 correct that I鈥檓 not totally enlightened yet in my approach. I am too full of myself, preening with newfound wisdom.
I decide to set aside my condescending rhetoric for a while, and focus on attaining mindfulness instead. I text Paul; he鈥檚 been suggesting, for months, that we both take a workshop in 鈥淭M鈥� 鈥� transcendental meditation. He鈥檚 worried about his high blood pressure and stratospheric cholesterol. Meditation it turns out, is excellent at controlling that, too. New research also indicates it alleviates stress, drug addition, chronic pain, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, hypertension, PTSD, insomnia, migraines, fatigue, neuroticism, hopelessness, and numerous other mental and physical ailments.
Scanning multiple studies on pubmed.gov, I鈥檓 surprised to discover how behind the times I am. I thought meditation was a 70s-era, woo-woo, New Age, semi-fraudulent Maharishi gimmick. It鈥檚 not. Meditation has been scientifically tested for decades now, with substantial results from studies all over the globe. A German study reports 鈥渓ess anger and inclination for vengeance.鈥� Just 5-10 minutes of meditation daily reduces anger, claims a Japanese study. Meditation produces benefits in developmentally disabled Indians, in angry Scandinavians, in Cambodian refugees in Massachusetts, in Thai youth, in Argentine students, in U.S. prisons, in Chinese students, and cancer survivors.
鈥淕otta meditate鈥� I text Paul. 鈥淎SAP.鈥�
鈥淒o or Die,鈥� he replies.
Perusing online, I discover multiple paths: classes, workshops, sanghas, books, audiotapes, and videos. Even my healthcare provider, Kaiser, offers a mindfulness class for stress reduction.
I settle on two choices.
First, I鈥檒l take an online, proceed-at-your-own-pace course through UCLA鈥檚 Mindsight Institute, founded and directed by Dr. Dan J. Siegel, M.D., whose specialty is child, adolescent, and adult psychiatry. Cost is $165. One of my instructors is Gael Belden, who was lay-ordained by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Next, I鈥檒l join a neighborhood group that meets on Sunday mornings less than two miles away, while Blaze is at her piano class.
Paul won鈥檛 join me because he insists on TM, which is a mantra-repeating form of meditation. 鈥渋f TM is enuf 4 Russell Brand,鈥� he texts, 鈥渋t鈥檚 enuf 4 me.鈥�
I know meditation won鈥檛 extinguish my rage immediately. I鈥檝e been stockpiling bile since my own father exploded at me decades ago. It鈥檒l require massive discipline to transform it. Nhat Hanh says, 鈥淚n order to be free from anger, we have to practice. 鈥� Practice can liberate you from your anger and turn you into a loving person.鈥�
Mindfulness 鈥� what is it really? What am I embarking on? Turns out, a large part of mindfulness is what Joe Kelly, Diane Divecha, and even my wife have already suggested. Deeply understanding the other person 鈥� Blaze, in this case 鈥� so that my attitude, words, and actions toward her can be bursting with compassion.
Can I become a great being who has so much happiness and compassion I am able to rescue people from their suffering, much less my own?
Maybe not, but I鈥檓 betting that just striving toward this lofty goal improves my chances of becoming a better father.
鈥淒addy, don鈥檛 make that crunching sound when you chew,鈥� says Blaze. 鈥淚t grosses me out. And don鈥檛 touch your nose when you talk to me, it鈥檚 really disgusting.鈥�
I pause. 鈥淚鈥檒l bet you can figure out how to say that in a more polite way.鈥�
鈥淲hy aren鈥檛 you mad at me? I was rude.鈥�
鈥淭hen we agree. You can probably find a more polite way to talk to me.鈥�
鈥淛ust stop it! Why are you being so 鈥� so nice? It鈥檚 creepy, Dad!鈥� She鈥檚 still fuming 鈥� fuming is one of her favorite things to do, I now realize 鈥� it really doesn鈥檛 matter what I say.
I just look at her. Eventually, she runs out of words and then starts to laugh, this giddy laugh of self-recognition. 鈥淪orry, Dad,鈥� she says and reaches for her fifth taco. I eat quieter. She really is a wonderful girl.
