It was an afternoon like any other. I had picked my kids up from their after-黄色app activities, and we were driving to dinner at my sister-in-law鈥檚 house. Because I鈥檇 left work an hour early, I still had some calls to make.
I figured I鈥檇 make the calls in the car while driving to dinner 鈥� the upside of rush hour traffic was that there鈥檇 be plenty of time. Since I mostly write from home in a room off our kitchen, I鈥檓 well-practiced at working while keeping an ear out for my kids 鈥� or, in this case, an eye on the road.
I put an audiobook on for the kids and used voice recognition to dial my first call, which went to voice mail. As I was leaving a long message, my kids started talking to me at the same time, asking me to turn up the volume on the audiobook. I find it hugely irritating when my teen and preteen kids can hear that I鈥檓 talking to someone else but start talking to me anyway.
鈥淐an’t you hear that I was leaving a message??!!鈥� I yelled at them after I thought I hung up the phone. 鈥淐an YOU hear and respond to someone who is talking to you while YOU are talking to someone else!!?鈥�
I was getting going, fueled by the day鈥檚 stresses. 鈥淚 HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK TO ME WHEN I鈥橫 ALREADY TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE!! IT MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY!!! AND IT MAKES ME SOUND SO UNPROFESSIONAL!!!鈥�
And then, in my headset, I heard a long beep, and a lady-computer told me that I鈥檇 reached the end of the length of the message. Holy crow: I鈥檇 been yelling at my kids right into my colleague鈥檚 voice mail. Talk about sounding unprofessional!
My kids don鈥檛 usually cower (or suddenly obey) when I yell. When I get angry or snappish with them, they say things like 鈥淢om, could you please use a kind voice?鈥� or even 鈥淚 have a hard time understanding you when you talk to me like that.鈥� Both of these phrases they鈥檝e stolen directly from me; it鈥檚 what I say to them when they are demanding or disrespectful or whiney.
But I don鈥檛 have a history of changing my own tone in response to their polite/sassy requests. Instead, I鈥檝e justified yelling at my kids. It鈥檚 different than when they talk to me in a way that I don鈥檛 like. Because I鈥檓 the parent. Moms and dads yell when kids make us mad. Kids need to not do the things that make us yell, and then we won鈥檛 yell anymore. Ergo, if I鈥檓 yelling, clearly it is the 办颈诲蝉鈥� fault, and therefore their responsibility to change.
Except that I always knew, on some level, that this is faulty logic. The embarrassment of yelling at my kids in front of a work colleague provided the jolt of insight I needed to see that my yelling couldn鈥檛 be justified.
Moreover, yelling at my kids wasn鈥檛 actually changing their behavior. Although we all know that yelling occasionally works in the short-run, generally speaking, it is not an effective teaching tool. As a parenting expert, I鈥檓 very well-versed in much more effective ways to shape 办颈诲蝉鈥� behavior and habits.
Enter Rona Renner, a dear friend and long-time colleague 鈥� you may know her from the 鈥溾�� podcasts we did together. Rona is a master parent coach, with a specialty in understanding temperament and, you guessed it, helping parents who lose their temper. And she has a fantastic new book out!
Is That Me Yelling? provided me with the framework that I needed to discover why I was really yelling at my kids, and it gave me the tools for responding differently in the future. I discovered, by using Renner鈥檚 鈥淵elling Tracker,鈥� that I typically only raise my voice with my kids when I鈥檓 multi-tasking or stressed out 鈥� when I鈥檓 really focused on something besides them. Working from home or from the car means that I鈥檓 often trying to do two or even three things at once, and this dramatically shortens my fuse.
I worked out a plan to work less in the presence of my kids 鈥� and to give them my full attention when I鈥檓 with them. They still do things that make me angry; the difference is that I am much more able and likely to respond skillfully to their missteps when I鈥檓 not trying to do something else at the same time.
Is That Me Yelling? makes an important contribution to the betterment of humanity. That鈥檚 not an overstatement: When we are compassionate and peaceful with our children, they, in turn, become compassionate and peaceful in the world. And in a world filled with strife and irritants, this is just what we need!
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Christine Carter’s article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.
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