Game Boy was his gateway drug. 鈥淧lease Mom, please let me have one,鈥� my son begged me for two years. Despite his insistence, I held firm and said no. Until Max (not his real name) turned 7 years old, I鈥檇 mostly managed to keep screens safely outside what I now realize was the flimsy protection of our home, a place I鈥檇 imagined offered safety and sanctuary. We didn鈥檛 own any gaming devices. About once a week, Max could watch a movie.
Why was I trying so hard to screen him from, well, screens? So many reasons. For one, my otherwise terrific parents let me watch too much TV — hours of it every day. Looking back, I wish they鈥檇 nudged me out of my stupor to read more and explore other interests, and I can鈥檛 help but wonder if that would have given me more of an edge academically.
My fear stemmed mainly from the fact that I know my son. Seducing him with their silent siren song, screens have a magical effect on him; more than books, playgrounds, time with his parents, painting — all of which he loved as a young child. At toy stores, when he was very small, he鈥檇 immediately toddle toward the plastic baby computers and bang away at the keys. At home, I was afraid if I willingly let my son get sucked into the land of high-tech, I鈥檇 never get him back.
Amish aspirations, modern realities
Maybe I鈥檇 have had a better chance — like a few holdout parents I know who鈥檝e kept their kids almost completely tech-free — if my husband and I agreed on this issue.聽He accepts most of my parenting philosophies, but wouldn鈥檛 go along with my desire to banish televisions and computers from our house. After all, he鈥檚 the editor of a national high-tech magazine and website, so he doesn鈥檛 exactly share my Amish aspirations. Nevertheless, I championed my cause and tried to ward off the high-tech tsunami as long as I could.
One fateful day, standing in line at our local taqueria, Max saw an older boy playing Game Boy. Max glommed onto him immediately. A minute later, he launched into his usual cri de guerre, pulling out every line in his 7-year-old鈥檚 arsenal. 鈥淧lease Mom, let me have a Game Boy. I鈥檒l do anything if you let me have one. Everybody else in my class has one. It鈥檚 the only thing I want in the world.鈥�
I shook my head, hoping to avoid a public scene. Then the boy鈥檚 father, like some wicked specter auguring our destiny, turned to me, 鈥淵ou say that now, but it鈥檚 only a matter of time,鈥� the evil one whispered in my ear. 鈥淚 promise. He鈥檒l get a Game Boy. They all do.鈥�
I hoped the subject would be forgotten, but Max wouldn鈥檛 relent. His seventh birthday was just days away. Weeks earlier he鈥檇 lost his status as an only child when his little sister was born. On the very same day, his lifelong best friend next door moved away. Whenever I asked what he wanted for his birthday, he said the same thing:聽鈥淎 Game Boy. It鈥檚. All. I. Want.鈥� Over dinner, my husband gave me a look that said,聽鈥淔or God鈥檚 sake, let the boy have what he wants.鈥�
That鈥檚 the moment I gave up. But if I had any delusions that giving him his heart鈥檚 desire would solve the problem, they disappeared almost immediately. Our never-ending fights about technology had just begun.
Techno yes or Tech-no?
Over the next five years, the thirst for the latest best thing could never be quenched. From Game Boy, to DS, to Wii聽— the requests never stopped. I put my foot down when he asked for a subscription to World of Warcraft, an online multi-player game that an editor of a nonprofit media website warned me against. 鈥淣ever let your son play that! It鈥檚 incredibly addictive,鈥� she cautioned.
Maybe a sane parent — the parent I was before we went down this rabbit-hole — would have just said no, instead of holding fast to certain boundaries, letting others slip.聽
I have no defense, except that life gets busy, and it鈥檚 full of compromises. Some days I鈥檓 so busy taking care of his little sister, or writing on deadline, and a video game or TV show quiets my son — and I鈥檓 grateful. And, I try to reassure myself, he doesn’t just sit in front of a screen all day. He鈥檚 a talented pianist and performer. He gets pretty much straight A’s. He鈥檚 fantastic at math and science, and he鈥檚 a gifted writer. What more do I want?
You can鈥檛 always get what you want
Me: Max, you鈥檙e supposed to be doing your homework. Turn off Facebook/Minecraft/your iPod.
Max: I鈥檓 just taking a break.
Me: You know the rule. No screens until you鈥檝e done your homework.
Max: I鈥檝e done most of it, Mom. You just don鈥檛 want me to be happy. Playing computer games makes me happy!
Why don鈥檛 I want him to be happy playing screens? Because I鈥檝e been reading the latest stats on screen addiction — and I see how harmful it can be, especially for adolescents whose brains are still being shaped and whose bodies need plenty of exercise and activity to keep them healthy.
I want him to be doing anything other than an activity that, I fear, keeps him from experiencing real life, and using as much of his brain as possible. I want him to play basketball at our nearby playground. I want him to practice music for his upcoming keyboard lesson. I want him to play like kids used to play. The problem? There aren鈥檛 any kids playing outside. The few teens on our block are also inside their homes, also grudgingly doing their homework, also arguing with their parents about being on a screen.
Emergency help
But here鈥檚 the deal: I鈥檓 genuinely worried my son is addicted to screens. I can鈥檛 seem to stop him from pushing the “on” button whenever he has free time. He can鈥檛 seem to stop, and he certainly doesn鈥檛 want to.
I聽decided to get outside help, and where did I find it? Online, of course.聽I tracked down a former screen addict who counsels families with children or other family members whose lives have been taken over by technology. I also found the co-founder of the country鈥檚 first screen addiction center, who also offers private counseling.
A ray of hope
When I reveal my fears, Kevin Roberts tells me not to worry. Roberts鈥� book is about his journey into — and out of — screen addiction. 鈥淔or a 13-year-old to be playing a lot of video games is not a big worry,鈥� Roberts says. If his behavior鈥檚 the same at 15, he says, then it鈥檚 time to worry.
My son has many outside interests and talents, enough to divert him from devolving into a true screen junkie, Roberts tells me, one who stops eating and sleeping, lies about his addiction, and truly trades his real life for a virtual one. The trick, adds Roberts, is to help my son find balance. But whatever you do, he warns, 鈥淕et out of the business of being the nag. A disturbingly significant proportion of people who call and come to see me are people who overly manage their kids, (who say), 鈥淵ou can have 30 minutes of screen time.鈥�
Roberts says banning screens altogether simply won鈥檛 work. 鈥淧eople our age bracket are quick to dismiss (video games) as frivolity,鈥� says Roberts. But video games and other screen entertainment, he argues, are part of the today’s world. For many kids, it’s a significant part of their social life. Instead, he advises, explain that you know your child likes screens, but, 鈥淎s a responsible parent, I need you to find balance in your life. Here are some options. Let鈥檚 talk about it.鈥�
That night, I聽followed Roberts’ advice. I told Max that since he鈥檚 no longer doing rock climbing or soccer, he should consider finding another physical outlet. I didn鈥檛 bring up his use of screens. I didn鈥檛 lecture. And surprise! He said, 鈥淥K. I think I鈥檇 like to do something more physical. Maybe take trampoline classes or go back to rock climbing.鈥� Progress?
It is a drug. And we鈥檙e the dealers.
Maybe. But what I gained in hope, I lost to despair when I talked to Hilarie Cash, co-founder and executive director of in Fall City, WA. Her advice was very different from Roberts’.
鈥淧arents aren鈥檛 taking this seriously enough,” she told me flatly. 鈥淧arents abdicate responsibility. … (They) have to put limits on their child鈥檚 use.”
Cash insists that if your child isn鈥檛 helping with chores, getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and seeing friends face to face, it鈥檚 time to worry. 鈥淭he research is clear, the signs and symptoms of addiction to screens show up when people spend more than two hours a day on their recreational media use. That includes everything: TV, screen time, smartphones, Facebook.鈥�
Max easily spends well over two hours using media every day, between his cell phone, iPod, computer, and TV. (Given that the average American is in front of a screen seven hours a day, we鈥檙e a nation of addicts.)
Above all, Cash told me, keep your child away from multi-player online games, the most damaging digital drug of all, and the most addictive of all Internet play. 鈥淚f it鈥檚 a team game, your son shouldn鈥檛 be doing it.”
At that point, I freaked out. My son plays multi-player games. And he loves them. What can I do to stop him now that he鈥檚 started, and now that he鈥檚 becoming聽 a normal teenager who often rebels and pushes back?聽Cash’s answer?聽“Say, 鈥榃e鈥檙e done. I鈥檓 sick of the battle,鈥� she said. “Say, ‘We’ll reconsider you playing video games when I see you鈥檙e physically active, leading an active life, being a responsible teenager.'”
鈥淧arents aren鈥檛 willing to be the bad guys,” she continued. “They鈥檙e not willing to say, 鈥楾his addictive thing you love so much is going away’ … to say, ‘This is a drug and my child is going to have limited access to this drug.鈥�
Where does this leave me聽— and my son?
I may never have clarity on this struggle; it鈥檚 not black and white. I know that Max is both a responsible teenager and that he uses screens too much. But I agree with reSTART鈥檚 Cash that I need to be the parent and can鈥檛 sweep this under the rug.
So I鈥檓 going to start by having a serious and honest talk with my son. Tell him that things in our home have to change because God knows nothing鈥檚 going to change out in the world. Screens aren鈥檛 going away.
