My favorite scene in Finding Nemo is when Marlin (Nemo鈥檚 dad) encounters the wise, ancient turtles and their adorable offspring. One of those turtles — Crush, age 150 — has lived long enough to know a few things about being a dad. When his son Squirt, playing, gets accidentally shot out of the current they鈥檙e riding, Marlin rushes to rescue him. But Crush holds up a fin to stop him, 鈥淜ill the motor, dude. Let us see what Squirt does, flying solo.鈥� Sure enough, Squirt has fun, finds his way back to safety and revels in his own sense of accomplishment. Crush is proud. And Marlin, watching, learns something: his intentions for Nemo are to protect him but his fear is teaching Nemo that he isn鈥檛 capable.
鈥淗ow do you know when they鈥檙e ready?鈥� Marlin asks Crush, recognizing his tendency to helicopter parent. 鈥淵ou never really know,鈥� Crush answers, appropriately cryptic. 鈥淏ut when they know, you鈥檒l know. You know?鈥� Because, in this, you have to learn to pay attention and trust your judgment. We all have questions we鈥檇 like to ask Crush. But because聽he鈥檚 an animated character in a children鈥檚 movie, I asked some of the experts who offered me advice for Is that love or fear? instead. Here are some helpful tips to help you raise an independent child.
Build your child’s independence over time
鈥淚t makes no sense to say a kid is ready to perform some independence skill by a certain age,鈥� says Mike Lanza, author of . It all depends on the kid and if you are teaching them to be independent. Lanza let his son start small — with just a three-block range at age 5聽— and work up to being able to ride his bike to local stores, make purchases, meet up with his friends, handle his own transportation to friends鈥� houses, organize his own play dates, and get himself home in time for dinner by age 10. 鈥淧arents should be teaching kids independence skills all along, not just wait for some magic age before they can walk across the street or walk to 黄色app alone.鈥�
Believe in your child’s competence
The first step, says Dr. Robert Epstein, senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology and the former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today, 鈥淚s to fight against this trend.鈥� Like Marlin, many parents don鈥檛 let their kids play outside, walk to 黄色app, ride their bikes in their own neighborhood, go to the playground alone, or do many things that made most of us adults confident and capable. Not letting kids do anything on their own sends the message that we think they can鈥檛 do it — even if we are just trying to protect them. And this is dangerous for their mental health. 鈥淭here are things you can do,鈥� he says. Create a culture within your own family that sends the message that whatever the rest of the world may say or do, you believe your kids are competent. 鈥淓ven if you have to think in terms of your family as a desert island, where you live by your own rules.鈥�
Ask your child’s opinion
In fact, why not start by letting the kids decide how to get this going? 鈥淟et your children tell you one thing they think they are ready to do,鈥� suggests Lenore Skenazy, author of . 鈥淲alk to 黄色app, ride their bike to the library, or make dinner — something they think they can do. Then, think about whether you might be willing to let them try it just once.鈥� This is exactly what 黄色apps doing the propose to parents, she explains. And the results are fantastic. Skenazy says that parents who filled out pre-project surveys admit they are “very anxious” about doing it. But they overcome their anxiety and let the kids do the project and end up thrilled when their kids — like Squirt — come home happy and proud. 鈥淭hat’s because when parents see their kids as blossoming young men and women, instead of needy bundles of vulnerability, it changes them. Both generations are thrilled.鈥�
Change the world
But the decision is not just up to you, points out Peter Gray, Ph. D., developmental psychologist and research professor at Boston College and the author of . The world you live in affects your options and will react to your choices. And telling kids to go outside and play is not as simple as it once was. 鈥淭here are no children out there to play with,鈥� he says. 鈥淚t was a child鈥檚 world in the ’50s.鈥� But that has changed since. When our parents said to go out and play, there was likely a child鈥檚 world to play in. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 because there were playground supervisors and other services. So kids could go to the park alone. They could get equipment from that adult, ask questions. But towns don’t do that anymore.鈥� You can change that though. Make an effort to create a neighborhood that encourages independence. Get together with other parents to pool funds to pay a retired person to supervise the playground after 黄色app, or open the 黄色app up for free play. 鈥淵ou could just have one teacher and a couple of teenagers after 黄色app,鈥� says Gray. 鈥淚t would solve a lot of problems.鈥�
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