Barbara, a San Francisco mother of two, first started talking about drugs with her son early. When her son was in sixth grade, a recovering addict had visited the boy鈥檚 classroom and made a big impression.
鈥淢y son came home, wide-eyed, telling these stories about how even marijuana is bad 鈥� retelling the man鈥檚 story about a friend smoking a joint and shooting himself in the head,鈥� she says. 鈥淭he messages were very black and white.鈥�
Her fear? Letting her son believe the alcohol-and-drugs-are-all-bad message would lead to a loss of parental trust when he saw academically successful kids drinking and smoking marijuana at parties in high 黄色app. Over the years, Barbara (whose name has been changed at her request) spoke openly with her son about drugs, but it wasn鈥檛 until she was dropping him off at a party in his junior year, that she realized he needed more than one of those 鈥渟omeday in the future鈥� discussions. When asked if kids were doing drugs and alcohol at a previous party, her son surprised her by admitting they were.
鈥淚 had less than five minutes in the car with him alone, and I wanted to get a couple of messages across,鈥� she recalls. She told him how to drink if he was going to drink, how to be safe, not get sick, and to never get in a person鈥檚 car if they鈥檇 been drinking. She told him: 鈥淲ith beer or wine, when you feel a little tipsy or out of control, you can stop and that feeling will go away. But if it鈥檚 hard alcohol, by the time you feel any effects, it鈥檚 too late, and it can be very dangerous.鈥澛營f anyone passed out she urged him to call for help.
鈥淚 told him that if he called us, he wouldn鈥檛 get in trouble. We鈥檇 rather he call and be safe than otherwise.鈥� On smoking marijuana, she informed him that 鈥渢here鈥檚 no known lethal dose of marijuana,鈥� she says. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 want to say, 鈥業 prefer you smoke than drink,鈥� but I did say there鈥檚 no way to kill yourself smoking weed, but there is a way drinking alcohol.鈥�
Experts all agree that talking about drugs and alcohol use with kids is an essential preventative medicine in warding off your child鈥檚 forays into risky substance abuse. And part of that talk must include the scary facts: Certain activities can lead to death. Others can lead to prison. And maybe least understood, alcohol and drugs both do damage to developing brains (which continues up to age 25!) and increase mental health risks, such as depression and schizophrenia. But when push comes to shove, aside from laying out the rules and the risks, how do you do it, and what do you say?
It鈥檚 far easier to prescribe 鈥渂est practices鈥� for such conversations (and for dealing with the aftermath) than to deal with the three-dimensional reality 鈥� answering your child鈥檚 difficult questions and setting down rules in the real world. Barbara鈥檚 forget-about-perfection, safety-first message may sound like a tacit acceptance of dangerous and illegal behavior, but experts suggest that keeping lines of communication open is often the difference between risky behavior (smoking pot) and life-threatening behavior (getting in a car with a drunk driver).
鈥淥ften we鈥檙e afraid of the power of suggestion,鈥� says , a Chicago-area psychologist who works with teenagers and their parents, and the author of . He observes that parents fear that even talking about alcohol and drug use will start your otherwise innocent child thinking the behavior is normal. Duffy doesn鈥檛 buy it: 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 part of the problem; I think not talking about it is part of the problem,鈥� he says.
Modeling behavior
Not every parent chooses Barbara鈥檚 approach. Iowa-based mother-of-three Norma D. says she and her husband took a different approach to the questions of alcohol and drugs. The family knew two people whose lives had been destroyed by drug addiction and alcoholism. Norma鈥檚 children had witnessed the job losses, health issues, financial trouble, and losses of dignity that go along with addiction. 鈥淚 think it said to our kids: this is real.鈥�
鈥淲e try to focus on the positive rather than focus on the negative,鈥� she explains, adding that they left explicit discussions of drugs and alcohol mostly to the 黄色app. Instead they emphasized their children鈥檚 power as decision makers. 鈥淎round middle 黄色app we (told the kids) that they have choices,鈥� she said. 鈥淎nd the effects of their choices would hurt them far more than they would hurt us. It would hurt others, but it would hurt their bodies, be their loss. (We wanted) to give them that sense of responsibility.鈥�
They also attempted to offer role models for clean fun. 鈥淭hey can see our example,鈥� she says. 鈥淲e can have normal family fun without drugs and alcohol. My husband is a blue collar worker, and frankly, we don鈥檛 have the money to spend on it聽鈥� and we have a lot of fun without it.鈥� Between keeping the kids busy with arts, music, part-time jobs, and faith-based church groups, her children 鈥渟ee that there are better 鈥� positive 鈥� things to do.鈥�
Keeping ’em busy
鈥淎bstinence just means that it鈥檚 going to happen later, not under your umbrella. I鈥檇 rather be there to navigate the consequences,鈥� says San Francisco father of two Josh H., who shares Barbara鈥檚 safety-first stance on drinking and drugs. He laid down some rules for his teenage son 鈥� especially when it comes to smoking pot 鈥� including guidelines about how much it鈥檚 okay to have (only one joint) and that it鈥檚 not acceptable in their house.
Over the years, he鈥檚 come to apply certain rules to himself as well. One is to always pick his kids up from parties. 鈥淚f you make the effort to pick them up,鈥� he says, 鈥渢hey will have to be a lot more sober, and you have time to talk to them in the car.鈥� Another is using a 鈥渟afe phrase鈥� which his kids can use over the phone to convey that they want an immediate, SOS pick up.
Josh鈥檚 most effective tactic echoes Norma鈥檚 strategy: Keeping his kids 鈥� especially his son 鈥� busy, busy, busy. 鈥淥verschedule the hell out of them,鈥� he recommends, adding that his son divides his time between AP classes, community service, being a wilderness first responder, Outward Bound, and he had a year-long internship at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts.
An academic鈥檚 input
There鈥檚 no perfect cocktail for insulating kids from risky behavior, but some experts suggest parents need to do a better job of making sure kids understand what鈥檚 involved, including everything from the merits of moderation (with alcohol) to life-and-death risks. Jim Matthews, M.Ed., author of , and father of two recalls treating a female college student sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
鈥淚 asked how much she drank and she said seven shots (all vodka)鈥� all 110 pounds of her,鈥� he says. 鈥淚t was her first year in college. I asked what proof vodka and got a blank look,鈥� he recalls. 鈥淚 explained amounts, ounces. She said they were using those 鈥渞ed cups.鈥� I said, 鈥榊ou don鈥檛 know what you drank, nor how much you drank.鈥欌��
Just another coed who鈥檚 never been 黄色apped in the toxins of intoxication? Not exactly. The young woman had been the president of the M.A.D.D. group at her high 黄色app. She might have learned never to drink and drive. But the problem, Matthews stresses, was that the student didn鈥檛 know how to drink. Research shows a majority of high 黄色app students don鈥檛 know you can die of alcohol poisoning. So where do young folks learn how to drink? From other teens, who don鈥檛 have accurate information either, he says.
Matthews advocates for honest conversations at home 鈥� and often. He says we need to teach kids about safe amounts. 鈥淭he mistake many [kids] make is if we drink to a .05, it feels pretty good. 鈥� But if .05 feels good, [we assume] .1 must be twice as good, and .2 must be ecstatic. But it鈥檚 a matter of staying down at that .05 level,鈥� he says, and never getting drunk.
Matthews also advocates frank discussions about a family history of alcoholism, having let his own his kids know they鈥檙e at risk. 鈥淚鈥檓 real about it,鈥� he says. 鈥淚 want them to understand that there鈥檚 a place for alcohol in society. We don鈥檛 say here鈥檚 your license, go drive. We teach them.鈥� That鈥檚 what we should do with alcohol, too, he says.
All of these parents are cautiously optimistic that their approaches worked. For Barbara, the proof was senior year when her son 鈥� now in college 鈥� called her for help when a friend was vomiting from drinking. Norma and Josh still have teens at home, but they both say their kids are thriving. Despite their hugely different approaches, these parents share a core commonality. All have attempted to do what psychologist Duffy says really matters: they make sure their kids know their parents are truly available when things get tough.
