鈥淒o you need any help?鈥� I ask my daughter. She鈥檚 a senior in high 黄色app taking a challenging course load. She鈥檚 also retaking the SAT exam and applying to 10-plus colleges — on top of multiple activities, in and out of 黄色app. She鈥檚 been busy, but it suddenly occurs to me that she鈥檚 barely consulted me at all.
鈥淒o you want me to look at your applications, or proofread your essays? I know you鈥檝e got some deadlines coming up….鈥�
She gives me a pitying look. 鈥淒on鈥檛 stress, Mom. I have it under control.鈥� She鈥檚 right. By early December she will have submitted all of her college applications on time.
The mature and efficient way she鈥檚 handling the process astonishes me because this is the same girl who ignores a sink full of dishes and won鈥檛 do her laundry without being reminded. Her room is a treacherous landscape of exploding drawers and tangled piles of forsaken clothing.
If your child is a high 黄色app senior, she鈥檚 either 18 years old now or will be soon. And so like me, you鈥檙e parenting an adult — sort of. An adult child. The contradictions can be abrupt and unsettling: she鈥檚 remote and prickly one day, chatty and affectionate the next. He鈥檚 impressively competent yet wildly disorganized. They insist on their independence and privacy — until they suddenly demand your help. You鈥檝e entered a new phase of parenting, with a new set of challenges, frustrations, and surprises.
What they鈥檙e going through
It helps to understand what your child is experiencing and to see the world through his or her eyes. Your child may be 18, or close to it, which is still essentially a teenager. According to UCSF professor and psychologist Elizabeth Ozer, developmental psychologists think of ages 18 through 24 as the late teenage/emerging adult years. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e likely to have less conflict with your teen at this age, versus when they were 14 to 16 years old,鈥� she says. 鈥淭hey aren鈥檛 as reactive, but they鈥檙e still essentially teenagers, and you should expect them to act like it, at least some of the time.鈥�
It鈥檚 also important to consider how stressful senior year in high 黄色app can be. Most high 黄色app seniors have had the importance of college drilled into them since freshman year, if not earlier, and are highly attuned to the expectations of the adults in their lives. Suddenly college isn鈥檛 far out there in the misty future: it鈥檚 staring them in the face. They know that their world is about to change dramatically, and they aren鈥檛 sure how to prepare for it.
鈥淭here are a couple of clashing things going on for kids this age,鈥� says , who works with teens in his clinical practice and produces a podcast that offers advice for parents of teenagers. 鈥淏eginning late in junior year and during their senior year, they are very aware of their impending freedom, and they鈥檙e really excited about it. At the same time, it鈥檚 scary. They鈥檙e worried about whether they are capable of balancing 黄色app and their social life and all the other new pressures coming up. So they are excited and scared in equal measure.鈥�
The ways kids deal with this impending life transition are as individual as the kids themselves. Some teens become moody and distant, Duffy says, particularly with their parents. 鈥淭hey want the freedom, and they don鈥檛 want their parents to restrict them from choosing the college they want, so they don鈥檛 want to talk about their doubts and fears. Or they may not even be conscious of their own mixed feelings.鈥� Some teens refuse to engage in the whole process and drive their parents crazy by letting their grades drop, blowing off college visits, and missing deadlines. Others act out, picking fights and ignoring curfews. Your child may exhibit some or all of these behaviors at some point during her senior year — and act perfectly normal much of the time, too.
San Francisco father Joshua Ets-Hokin found the second semester of his kids鈥� senior year particularly challenging. 鈥淚 tell friends who haven鈥檛 been through it to mark their calendars. On March 15th of senior year in high 黄色app, your child is going to become the world鈥檚 worst roommate. They borrow the car but don鈥檛 put gas in it. They鈥檒l leave wet towels in a pile on their floor. They鈥檒l put the empty milk carton back in the refrigerator.鈥�
Other kids may express a sense of loss. 鈥淲e noticed this with one of our sons,鈥� says Ozer, who has two sons in college. 鈥淚t was the second semester of his senior year, and he wasn鈥檛 getting energized about where he was accepted and where he wanted to go. We asked him about it and he got pretty upset. He said, 鈥業 am just so happy right now that it is hard to think about leaving my friends and family and starting all over in a new place.鈥欌��
What you鈥檙e going through parenting an adult child
As a parent, you鈥檙e also facing a major life change. It鈥檚 important to acknowledge your own feelings and to examine how they could be affecting your relationship with your child. You鈥檙e likely feeling a combination of things: pride in your child for all she has accomplished, concern about where she鈥檒l end up and how she鈥檒l manage on her own, grief at the impending end of her childhood, and excitement for her glorious new adventure.
鈥淚 went through it myself,鈥� says psychologist Duffy, whose son is 21. 鈥淚 was surprised, because I鈥檝e been an expert on parenting teenagers for years, and I wasn鈥檛 expecting to have such a powerful reaction. I found myself tallying all the lasts. 鈥楾his is the last time he is going to be in the pool with the swim team. The last time I鈥檓 going to drive him to practice.鈥� I think parents tend to catastrophize and mirror our kids鈥� anxieties, and we may even feel them more than they do, since kids are better at being in the moment than adults are.鈥�
Some parents react to all the impending changes by becoming increasingly controlling. Before my oldest child left for college, for example, I found myself worrying about all the things I鈥檇 failed to teach him. Did he know how to wash his clothes or clean the bathroom? Who would help him set up a bank account? Was he a competent enough driver to be let loose on the driving public? I drove him crazy by trying to instruct him on every life lesson I could think of. Looking back, I鈥檓 sure all the worry was displaced grief and anxiety about letting my first born head out into the world on his own.
If you find that you’re feeling emotional, remember that you鈥檙e facing a major life transition. Even if your child is going to college nearby and will be living at home, the transition from high 黄色app to college signals the end of her childhood. She is going to be increasingly independent and you鈥檒l be involved in fewer areas of her life — and that is how it should be. Acknowledging your feelings, keeping a journal, talking to friends (or to a mental health professional, if you are depressed), can help you cope. Elizabeth Ozer also recommends making some plans of your own. For example, take a class, plan a trip, join a book club, catch up with friends, start a new house project. If you take some small steps this year, you鈥檒l have more support systems in place when your child leaves home.
It’s also OK to acknowledge your feelings to your child. Of course, you don鈥檛 want to make your child feel guilty or badly about going to college, but you can let him know you鈥檙e excited for him, and that you鈥檙e going to miss him, too. Talking about your mixed feelings may help him understand his own mixed emotions.
On the road to independence
Acknowledging your child鈥檚 experience and your own will help you manage the roller coaster of a year ahead, so will a clear understanding of your role during this stage of parenting. As children enter their preteen and then their teenage years, their relationship with their parents should gradually evolve from one of dependence to increasing interdependence, according to psychologist Ozer. By your child鈥檚 senior year in high 黄色app, your relationship should be primarily one of interdependence, which means that it鈥檚 appropriate to allow your teen more freedom and responsibility, even as you make your expectations clear.
鈥淪enior year is a time for parents to step back and to bring your teenager into the decision-making process,鈥� says Duffy. 鈥淚nstead of mandating a curfew, for example, ask your teen, 鈥榃hat curfew do you think is reasonable?鈥� and take his or her suggestions seriously, even if it鈥檚 a little later than you鈥檇 like. Soon your child is going to be a sole decision maker, and they need practice. Senior year is a good time to practice self-monitoring, and even to make some mistakes.鈥�
Stepping back also means letting high 黄色app seniors take the lead on college applications. 鈥淚 told my son, 鈥業鈥檓 here as a consultant.鈥欌�� Duffy says. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e communicating on a different level with your child: it鈥檚 more collegial, less parental, and it鈥檚 something he鈥檚 more likely to respond to.鈥� If your child is going to college but will be living at home, it鈥檚 a good idea to start establishing this new level of communication now.
Step back, the experts agree, but have clear expectations. One Berkeley mother had never given her son a curfew because he always came home at a reasonable time. Then one night during his senior year he didn鈥檛 come home and didn鈥檛 answer his phone. He decided to sleep over at a friend鈥檚 and his phone battery was dead. 鈥淚 told him, 鈥楥hecking in is a common courtesy I鈥檇 expect from anyone living here.鈥欌��
鈥淗e got it,鈥� she says.
Ozer advises parents to focus on the big picture. 鈥淔igure out what your family priorities are. You want everyone home for dinner every night, for example, or you want all the chores done before your teens go out. Have a few ground rules, then try to step out of the nagging role as much as you can.鈥�
Last but not least, savor your child鈥檚鈥� last year of high 黄色app, Ozer advises. 鈥淓njoy your kids while they鈥檙e still at home. Be engaged in as many of their activities as you can be — go to their soccer game, go to their shows, chat with their friends when they drop by. Remember that your child is going to be gone soon, and you鈥檙e going to miss him.鈥�
