One word too many, one shove too hard and normal sibling rivalry may deteriorate to sibling bullying or abuse. It鈥檚 often difficult for parents and caregivers to recognize what鈥檚 normal and what鈥檚 not. Laurie Kramer, a professor at University of Illinois, and expert in sibling relationships, contends no one really knows what normal is. The research field is growing and continues to unearth interesting and surprising results. But it鈥檚 not necessarily making it easier for parents to recognize when rivalry has morphed into bullying or abuse.
Parents have to watch for 鈥� and interpret 鈥� the tone of the interactions between brothers and sisters. Kramer says sibling conflict crosses the line into not-normal territory when interactions turn into chronic physical violence or emotional tormenting.
Physical violence can include anything from blows to sexually acting out (such as voyeurism, exhibitionism, poor boundaries around touching, and inappropriately provocative behavior). With emotional warfare, siblings know one another鈥檚 weaknesses and vulnerabilities. 鈥淭hey can . . . make the other one feel bad with a word.鈥� The consistency of these behaviors can leave their mark over a lifetime.
Here is what experts recommend adults watch for as signs of abusive sibling interactions:
1. Intention to hurt the other 鈥� the desire to see the other one in pain, in tears, or in trouble.
2. The roles never change 鈥� one kid is always aggressor, the other, the victim.
3. What appears to be regular razzing or roughhousing always聽degenerates. And anger doesn鈥檛 just blow over.
4. 鈥淲eapons鈥� become involved 鈥� bats, rocks, toys, scissors, knives.
5. One child avoids another鈥攍eaves the room or won鈥檛 engage in play or conversation. The child often tries to become invisible around the possible bully.
6. A change in a聽child鈥檚 behavior 鈥� difficulty sleeping, bad dreams, eating less or more, emotional outbursts, new anxiety or nervousness.
We’ve compiled some聽ideas to help siblings grow into best friends.
Learn how sibling relationships are a training ground for life.
