This fall, my youngest child will leave for college. Over this last year of college visits, SATs, college applications, rejections, and acceptances, I haven鈥檛 allowed myself to think about it — her actual departure — much. But now it鈥檚 almost here.
Her two older brothers are both already in college, so I鈥檝e been through it before: the packing, the goodbyes, the empty chair at the dinner table. Then they鈥檙e back (college vacations are long!), and just when I鈥檝e grown used to their noisy presence, they鈥檙e off again. I ache every time they leave. But we talk on the phone and text a couple of times a week, and then another vacation comes around and they鈥檙e back again.
This time it鈥檚 different — and not just because my daughter will likely be going even farther away than my sons. When each of the boys left home, there was always another child (or two) to focus on. This time, all three kids will be gone.
When I try to imagine what a home without any kids will be like, the feeling is similar to the way I felt when I was pregnant for the first time. As the due date drew closer, I tried to get ready. I borrowed a crib, bought a car seat, and received lots of tiny, adorable outfits. In a crazed nesting frenzy in my eighth month, I scrubbed and organized every drawer and cupboard in my house. But there was no way to prepare emotionally or mentally. I just had to wait, as motherhood hurtled toward me. I knew it would change my life forever, but I didn鈥檛 know how.
Most parents eventually wind up where I am, of course. It鈥檚 a phenomenon so commonplace there鈥檚 even a well-worn, anthropomorphic name for it: The Empty Nest. And though it鈥檚 not a clinical diagnosis, Psychology Today lists as a common transition period during which many parents, who鈥檝e successfully encouraged their children to become independent adults, experience feelings of loneliness or loss. I鈥檝e talked to friends and acquaintances who have experienced it, and in many cases their reactions run to extremes. One mother used the word 鈥渂ereft鈥� when she recalled the first few months after her daughter left for college. Another distraught dad I barely know stopped me on the street and talked for 20 minutes the day after his daughter left. But there were also the parents I met at a party who were gleefully counting the days until their daughter, a difficult teen, packed her bags. 鈥淪he鈥檚 so ready,鈥� her father told me. 鈥淎nd so are we.鈥�
Most of the empty nesters I talk to miss their children, but they point out advantages to life without teenagers, too. There鈥檚 the house that, when you clean it, actually stays clean. The freedom to work late on a weekday if you feel like it, or have a spontaneous drink with a friend. Some parents I know have launched second acts after their kids left home. One friend embarked on a new career path, another travels frequently and recently took a Spanish immersion class in Guatemala, a third has thrown herself into political activism. Some marriages splinter after the kids leave, but many relationships seem to take on a fresh romantic glow as couples enjoy date nights and plan kid-free getaways.
I also know a number of parents for whom the empty nest didn鈥檛 last long: their kids returned home after graduation, some for short stints, others for a year or two, still others for the foreseeable future. So-called 鈥渂oomerang鈥� kids are common in the Bay Area, where housing prices are stratospheric, but it鈥檚 a phenomenon that鈥檚 happening nationwide. According to a , 24 percent of adults ages 18 to 24 moved back in with their parents after leaving home, primarily because of economic conditions.
Many parents experience intense feelings when their kids leave home. In a , Michael Gerson reports that dropping his youngest son off at college was, 鈥渢he worst thing that time has done to me so far.鈥� He says his son鈥檚 鈥渓ife is starting for real. I have begun the long letting go. Put another way: He has a wonderful future in which my part naturally diminishes. I have no possible future that is better without him close.鈥�
Another dad, actor Rob Lowe, also found it heart-wrenching to watch his son pack for college. 鈥淚 know that this is his finest hour,鈥� . 鈥淏ut looking at his suitcases on his bed, his New England Patriots post颅ers on the wall, and his dog watching him pack, sends me out of the room to a hidden corner where I can鈥檛 stop crying.鈥�
However, studies shows there鈥檚 a silver lining. An : 鈥淩esearch is confirming what many mothers have been discovering — that 鈥榚mpty nest鈥� syndrome isn’t so empty after all. These days, the classic description of lingering depression, apathy, and loss of identity (鈥榃ho am I if I’m not taking care of the kids?鈥�) is no longer typical.鈥� The article attributes this change to an increase in the number of women with fulfilling careers, as well as the ubiquity of cellphones and computers, which make it easy for parents and children to stay in touch.
Indeed, according to new research, empty nest syndrome is evolving along with family gender roles. Christine M. Proulx, associate professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Science at the University of Missouri, led a 2008 study of couples whose children had left for college to determine if there are differences in how fathers and mothers fare when a child leaves home. Proulx and and her team conducted phone interviews with 142 families and found that both mothers and fathers responded positively to the transition. 鈥淭here were some adjustments, of course,鈥� says Proulx. 鈥淎ll family transitions require some adjustment. But most of the parents were awe-filled by their children and their accomplishments. One mother told us, 鈥榊ou finally realize the fruits of your labor.鈥� There wasn鈥檛 a sense of, 鈥榳hat am I going to do with my time?鈥� These parents had plenty to do.鈥�
Social psychologist Susan Newman quotes a young man who complained that : 鈥淎s the son of a mother that doesn鈥檛 let go, I ask you all, please, let us go, we won鈥檛 be too far away. But, please, don鈥檛 place this weight on our shoulders.鈥�
I don鈥檛 know what it will be like when all three of my kids are gone. Over the long parenting years, there have been many moments when I鈥檝e longed for time to myself: a quiet house, no one needing homework help or lunch or a ride anywhere. I鈥檓 particularly looking forward to having more mental space. For the last two-plus decades, my brain has been crammed with urgent but ultimately useless details: soccer practices, carpools, 黄色app functions, summer camps, 黄色app project deadlines, a perpetual shopping list, and an ever-changing calendar of who needs to be where and when. I imagine reading uninterrupted whenever I want to, hiking without whiny companions, skipping a meal from scratch in favor of an improvised salad.
But I won鈥檛 know what it鈥檚 like until I get there, just like when my first child was born. The first time I put my newborn in his car seat, his head slumped over to the side — and I called my mother in a panic. 鈥淲hat if it鈥檚 hurting him?鈥� I wept. My mother talked me off the ledge that day, and I gradually figured out what I was doing. I remind myself of that now, as this new empty nester stage draws closer. Once upon a time I didn鈥檛 know how to do be a parent, either. But I learned.
Meanwhile, I think about my daughter and all the adventures she has ahead of her. I look forward to seeing her grow and flourish in her new life away from home. After I drop her off at college, I imagine myself crying on the flight home, just as I did after I said goodbye to my boys. There will be a longing, yawning sadness — but there will be pride, too, as it dawns on me that I鈥檓 the parent of three children who are now adults, making their own way in the world. And that鈥檚 how it should be, after all. The empty nest cliché , which to me has always had a cloying ring to it, seems fitting here: If the nest is empty, it means they鈥檝e learned to fly.
