Before Alyssa became a mom, she was sure she wouldn鈥檛 have one of those out-of-control children who threw tantrums. 鈥淚 would see other people鈥檚 kids act out and I would think, 鈥楧ude, I鈥檓 never going to have kids who act like that.鈥�” Now that she has twin 5-year-old sons, Alyssa can only laugh at her certainty that her children would always be well-behaved and happy. Yes, she says, her sons Parker* and Mason* are usually kind, good-natured boys. But there are also times when they lose their tempers in epic proportions, sometimes for seemingly small reasons. 鈥淚鈥檓 surprised what can trigger their anger,鈥� says Alyssa. 鈥淎nd I鈥檓 also surprised with how angry a little human can become.鈥�
It鈥檚 especially bad this year. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know if it鈥檚 their age or the pandemic,鈥� but now that they鈥檙e kindergartners, she says her sons erupt more easily and often. If her work runs late and throws off their Mommy-time schedule, Alyssa says 鈥渢he breakdown that happens for Mason is apocalyptic.鈥� As for Parker, 鈥淗is anger is really intense right now. He almost vibrates with rage. Sometimes he鈥檚 building a structure, and if it doesn鈥檛 hold up, he鈥檒l take the magnet tile and bite it and then starts screaming.鈥�
There are times, Alyssa admits, that she wants to scream, 鈥淪top screaming!鈥�
Look at anger in kindergartners as a 鈥渃over emotion鈥�
Positive discipline experts urge parents to look behind your 5-year-old’s pouting and raging to ask why they are acting out. Why? Because when you focus on the anger, you miss the opportunity to attend to the feelings fueling the anger. 鈥淧arents will be most effective when they put on their detective hats and try to understand the belief behind the behavior,鈥� explains Jane Nelsen, author of the series.
Regardless of how angry your child is, one of your best strategies is to identify what feeling your child is covering up, explains Nelsen. Your child might be feeling shame or rejection or anxiety. Inside that tantruming kindergartner is a frustrated, sad, tired, lonely, or frightened 4-, 5-, or 6-year-old. Most often, it鈥檚 a young child whose big feelings are overwhelming, confusing, and scary. Parents can help by helping their young child discover — and understand — their underlying emotions.
Nelson encourages parents to meet anger with curiosity rather than with admonishments or punishment. Maybe your kindergartner threw a fit at home because they were rejected by kids at 黄色app. Or they forgot to do a chore and think their parents will be mad. Maybe they’re just overtired or hungry. Does your kindergartner explode in a rage when it鈥檚 past their bedtime? Could they be 鈥渉angry,鈥� something a healthy snack could remedy? Nelsen says that by 鈥渇ocusing on solutions, not punishments鈥� in the face of strong emotions, parents can help kids learn how to self-regulate, a skill that helps for a lifetime.
Let your child have their feelings
The next step, say positive discipline experts, is to realize that anger, like all emotions, isn鈥檛 鈥渂ad.鈥� It鈥檚 part of the human condition. Kids this age are going through dramatic social, emotional, and cognitive growth and that means they鈥檙e dealing with a lot of big and confusing new feelings. 鈥淥utbursts are developmentally normal. And kids get stressed out just like adults do,鈥� says Dr. Nanika Coor, a Brooklyn-based clinical psychologist who specializes in working with parents.
A parent鈥檚 impulse is often to do everything to squelch a child鈥檚 anger, but kids need to express themselves, says Nelsen. 鈥淚t鈥檚 so disrespectful to not let people, our children included, have their feelings.鈥�
Coor agrees. 鈥淚f the child is younger than 7, it’s developmentally normal for their emotions to take over. If you鈥檙e dealing with a young child, sometimes the best thing is to just be with them and let them be angry.鈥� In fact, giving your child a safe space to be angry can help them feel less angry in the long run. Why? 鈥淜ids who feel seen and heard feel understood. It also helps them feel safe because they aren鈥檛 worried their parents will reject them if they are feeling bad.鈥�
Help your child experience their tough feelings safely
While letting your child have their feelings, it鈥檚 important not to let them hurt themselves or others. 鈥淭he adult needs to be their emotional regulation at those times and keep people and property safe,鈥� says Coor. 鈥淧hysically block them from hitting. If you know they are throwers and might break or throw things, you can make sure breakable or blunt objects are impossible for them to get their hands on for as long as they’re in the throwing stage.鈥� The good news, says Coor? Young children usually grow out of such physically rageful fits.
Practice empathy, not punishment
鈥淵ou can鈥檛 punish away feelings,鈥� says Coor. 鈥淧unishments — whether criticizing, shaming, blaming, yelling, or giving the silent treatment — teach kids not to trust their parents with their mistakes.鈥�
Though it may seem counterintuitive, empathy is far more effective. 鈥淢eeting a child鈥檚 intense emotions with empathy lets them know that you understand how hard it is for them at that moment,鈥� says Nelsen. She suggests using empathetic words and helping kids learn to identify and name their emotions. For example, I see that you鈥檙e upset, and I鈥檓 sorry. I love you. Can you tell me what you鈥檙e feeling? I鈥檓 here to listen. Would you like a hug? I鈥檓 here when you鈥檙e ready for one. Shall we take a time-out together and you can tell me what you鈥檙e feeling? Although it may seem simple, teaching a little one words like mad, sad, frustrated, worried, nervous, scared, overwhelmed, tired, impatient, alone, left out, etc. can go a long way toward helping kids identify and understand their emotions. It鈥檚 a technique that will help them build their emotional intelligence now and in the long run.
The goal is to create a safe space for your kindergartner when they have overwhelming feelings and help them learn to process their feelings on their own as they grow up.
The first few times the parent asks, a child may not know or be able to articulate why they lashed out in anger. But kindergartners can be good problem-solvers. Alyssa talks with her sons as often as possible when they鈥檝e let their anger get the best of them. 鈥淚鈥檒l say, 鈥業 know you had some really big feelings. Let鈥檚 talk about why you were having them.鈥� I want to be an emotional surrogate for them. Because when they are so mad, what I usually see is that they are sad and scared. Finding the right words helps let them know they鈥檙e going to be okay.鈥�
* At her request, Alyssa鈥檚 sons鈥� names have been changed to protect their privacy.
