I know I鈥檓 not alone in worrying about the width and length of my child鈥檚 competitive streak. It鈥檚 hardly unusual for a child to be competitive. Nor is it bad. But there is a healthy competition and a unhealthy competition, says Jim Thompson, founder of the . 鈥淩emember that comparison is inevitable and a normal human instinct,鈥� says Hilary Levey Friedman, author of . 鈥淚t is a skill to admire qualities in others, but also to be able to pinpoint an area in which one excels.鈥� That鈥檚 all very well and good, but what am I supposed to do to better manage my child鈥檚 competitive nature? Luckily, she and some other experts shared these five ideas.
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Look in the mirror!
Examine your own competitive nature. Maybe you aren鈥檛 into chess, soccer, Minecraft, or whatever your child鈥檚 passion is. But consider the subtle ways you might be influencing that competitive streak. I picked this one up from sports psychologist Joel Fish鈥檚 book , which reminded me to look inward. I鈥檓 not a team sports person, but I am notoriously competitive in my career and in the kitchen (lobster bisque, anyone?). How I model my own disappointments will directly influence him; next time my story is rejected or the pork roast is overdone, I鈥檒l incorporate 鈥渨in some, lose some鈥� talk into dinner conversation.
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Cross train
Find other areas to channel that competitive urge into places where your child can pursue victory. If she likes an individual activity such as chess, expose her to team sports as well. And vice versa. That鈥檚 the advice I got from Friedman. 鈥淭hat might make him or her more understanding of others,鈥� she told me. 鈥淥r provide an outlet for that energy without the negative (and albeit sometimes positive) impact of being on a team.鈥� For the team experience, nudge your nonathletic child toward theater camp instead of a soccer clinic.
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Say no; it鈥檚 okay
Don鈥檛 forget the competition between parents, that is, the peer pressure to compete. Are you signing up for a stressful show choir programs because your friend Heather signed her son up for it? Or two soccer teams in the fall because your brother鈥檚 kids are doing that? Or because your kid wants to do both? 鈥淚 should have been smarter about realizing that less is more, and that it is not a good idea to accept every invitation,鈥� said Mark Hyman, author of , a book inspired by his son鈥檚 injuries from playing too much baseball. Don鈥檛 be afraid to take a season off; if your child has a chance at playing for the San Francisco Giants, his chances are not going to be ruined by missing one season of Little League.
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Make the grade
If grades are more important to you than the outcome of her tennis match or whether all that singing practice lands him a solo, then create guidelines to emphasize what needs to be a priority. Less than an 80 on that math test? Skip Little League practice and have them review the material they were supposed to have learned before the test. 鈥淢any high 黄色apps have rules like this,鈥� Hyman reminded me. 鈥淵ou can鈥檛 play on an interscholastic team unless you have a certain grade point average.鈥�
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Big picture
Never lose sight of the big picture. If you are frustrated by how your child鈥檚 competitive streak is manifesting right now, try to look back and forward. Remember when your high diving champion was 3 and refused to go in the swimming pool? And you fretted over this issue for weeks? Big picture: Childhood is ever-evolving; kids are ever-changing.
Read Mary Pols account of learning about competition, her son, and surprisingly, herself.
