You tell your child she鈥檚 a 鈥済enius鈥� after she鈥檚 gotten an A on her history paper. You proclaim your son鈥檚 the 鈥渕ost brilliant sculptor since Rodin鈥� when he proudly hands you his clay art project. Does this sound anything like your parenting style? The good news is that you get big points for being your child鈥檚 number-one cheerleader. The not so good news? You might want to think again about how you’re praising your child.
Please say it isn鈥檛 so. Isn鈥檛 parenting challenging enough without being told that praise, one of the most positive things parents can do for their children, is wrong? Might as well tell us to feed our kids spicy chips for breakfast and — what the heck — let them watch cartoons until midnight.
Not all praise is created equal
Hold on. It鈥檚 not that praise itself is bad. But how we praise children can make all the difference. As Carol Dweck, a professor of developmental psychology at Stanford University, reveals in her , praising children鈥檚 accomplishments rather than their efforts can chip away at their self-esteem and motivation — the opposite of what we want praise to do.
Say your child shows you a drawing, and you respond with 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so talented! That picture is so pretty!鈥� The result? Your child could become afraid of trying hard in the future (鈥淢y next drawing might not be so good鈥�), feel misunderstood (鈥淚t鈥檚 not pretty! I drew a hurricane!鈥�), and 鈥� kids being masters at spotting a con, even a well-meaning one 鈥� doubt your sincerity (鈥淐ome on, it鈥檚 not that 辫谤别迟迟测鈥�).
Try this at home
What鈥檚 a loving parent to do? Below are examples of what praising for the effort rather than the accomplishment sounds like. Studies show this kind of praise boosts confidence, so that kids treat challenges with excitement instead of fear.
The situation: Your child finishes a challenging math work sheet in less than five minutes.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so smart! You鈥檙e a regular Albert Einstein.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淵ou finished this work sheet quickly. Let鈥檚 see if we can find something harder that you鈥檒l enjoy.鈥�
The situation: Without you asking, your child cleans up his room all by himself.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou cleaned up your room! What a good boy.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚t鈥檚 clear it took a lot of work to put all your clothes and toys away. I really love seeing such a clean room.鈥�
The situation: Your child has painted you a coffee cup for your birthday.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淭his cup is so beautiful!鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚 can tell you spent a lot of time on this cup. And you painted it my favorite colors 鈥� purple and red. I鈥檓 going to drink from it every morning.鈥�
The situation:聽Your child has a big speaking role in the 黄色app show.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou were the best one in the show! You鈥檙e going to be a big star some day!鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚t was so exciting seeing you up there on stage. All the time you spent memorizing your lines really paid off. You spoke with such confidence that I was convinced you were an astronaut.鈥�
