You tell your child she鈥檚 a 鈥済enius鈥� after she鈥檚 finished a puzzle. You proclaim your son鈥檚 the 鈥渕ost brilliant painter since Picasso鈥� when he proudly hands you his watercolor. Does this sound anything like your parenting style? The good news is that you get big points for being your child鈥檚 number-one cheerleader. The not so good news? You might want to think again about praising your child.
Please say it isn鈥檛 so. Isn鈥檛 parenting challenging enough without being told that praise, one of the most positive things parents can do for their children, is wrong? Might as well tell us to feed our kids spicy chips for breakfast and聽鈥� what the heck聽鈥� let them watch cartoons until midnight.
Not all praise is created equal
Hold on. It鈥檚 not that praise itself is bad. But how we praise children can make all the difference. As Carol Dweck, a professor of developmental psychology at Stanford University, reveals in her research article , praising children鈥檚 accomplishments rather than their efforts can chip away at their self-esteem and motivation 鈥� the opposite of what we want praise to do.
Say your child shows you a drawing, and you respond with 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so talented! That picture is so pretty!鈥� The result? Your child could become afraid of trying hard in the future (鈥淢y next drawing might not be so good鈥�), feel misunderstood (鈥淚t鈥檚 not pretty! I drew an ugly witch!鈥�), and 鈥� kids being masters at spotting a con, even a well-meaning one 鈥� doubt your sincerity (鈥淐ome on, it鈥檚 not that 辫谤别迟迟测鈥�).
Try this at home
What鈥檚 a loving parent to do? Below are examples of what praising for the effort rather than the accomplishment sounds like. Studies show this kind of praise boosts confidence, so that kids treat challenges with excitement instead of fear.
The situation: Your child just figured out how to read a new street sign.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so smart! That鈥檚 amazing that you figured it out on your own.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淵ou鈥檝e been really paying attention to the street signs. Isn鈥檛 it great to learn so many of them? Let鈥檚 see if we can find another one together.鈥�
The situation: Without you asking, your kid got her socks and shoes on and comes right down to breakfast.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou got your socks and shoes on! What a good girl.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淵ou found socks to match and got your shoes on without any help. That was a lot to do on your own.鈥�
The situation: Your child has built an elaborate block city.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淲ow! That鈥檚 the most amazing block structure I鈥檝e ever seen! You鈥檙e going to be a world-famous architect.鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淟ook at how many blocks are in your city! I can tell you worked really hard on it, but it must have been a lot of fun to build.鈥�
The situation: You鈥檙e taking your child to a family get-together. He or she has bathed, combed their hair, and gotten dressed in their best outfit.
Praising the accomplishment: 鈥淵ou are the most handsome boy I鈥檝e ever seen in my life!鈥� or 鈥淵ou are the prettiest girl I鈥檝e ever seen in my life!鈥�
Praising the effort: 鈥淚 know you don鈥檛 always like having your hair washed. But now that you鈥檝e made such an effort to get all cleaned up and put your nicest outfit on, you sure do look fancy and ready to go to the party!鈥�
