Forget love, war, and death. On the subject of ungrateful children, William Shakespeare really nailed it when he wrote, 鈥淚ngratitude! Thou marble-hearted fiend, more hideous when thou show’st thee in a child than the sea-monster!鈥� Or as any parent might grouse on a particularly trying day: 鈥淚 do everything for my child, and she鈥檚 still 耻苍驳谤补迟别蹿耻濒!鈥�
For those of us who worry that today鈥檚 children appear grateful for nothing and entitled to everything 鈥� despite all that we do for them 鈥� grownups would do well to take note and take heart. Researchers in the relatively new field of gratitude studies are finding that thankfulness can indeed be nurtured and taught. Further, there appears to be plenty of compelling reasons to help a child along in the count-your-blessings department.
Thanksgiving science
Gratitude researchers have found that being grateful isn鈥檛 just a nice personal quality that leads to good manners. It delivers a profound payoff. By being truly thankful for all that life provides, a child has more chance of being emotionally, physically, and socially successful. One still-unpublished study, conducted by of New York鈥檚 Hofstra University and of the University of California at Davis, has found that when older children (ages 14 to 19) are able to acknowledge their good fortune, they鈥檙e more likely to be happy and experience lower levels of depression, envy, and materialism. There also appears to be a connection between feeling grateful and having higher GPAs 鈥� though whether it鈥檚 increased levels of gratitude that produce higher GPAs or the other way around remains unclear.
鈥淕ratitude opens you up to the abundance that is out there and lets you recognize the goodness in your life,鈥� says Froh, a psychology professor who has conducted eight gratitude studies over the past three years. According to Froh, a grateful child feels more connected and loved. After all, if he鈥檚 able to understand that many others care enough to make an effort for him, his life is improved.
For the past decade, experts like Emmons and Froh have been conducting 鈥済ratitude interventions,鈥� in which kids 鈥� pre黄色appers through college students 鈥� are encouraged to recognize the good in their lives through a series of exercises, from writing a thank-you note and reciting it to the benefactor to keeping a gratitude journal.
Overall, the results have been encouraging: Just as with adults, it seems that children, when encouraged to be more conscious of life鈥檚 bounties, become more grateful.
Who鈥檚 got gratitude?
Yet there remains much to be learned about children and gratitude. There鈥檚 some suggesting that girls are more grateful than boys (although boys may derive more benefit from expressing gratitude). Also, Froh says that while there鈥檚 not yet any hard data, there鈥檚 speculation that a child鈥檚 ability to be grateful depends on his or her age. One by researchers Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson looked at gratitude and life satisfaction in kids ages 3 to 9 and found that only 7- to 9-year-olds resembled adults in their capacity to feel true gratitude. The reason? Most 3- to 6-year-olds don鈥檛 have the emotional development to see outside themselves enough to be genuinely grateful.
Once children enter preadolescence 鈥� around 10 or 11 鈥� most make a grateful leap. Although, it鈥檚 worth noting, that since children go through so much developmentally, there may be dramatic fluctuations. One day a 12-year-old might rush to hug his mom for getting an unexpected new backpack; another, her kindness might be met with shrugged-off indifference. But by ages 10 or 11, says Froh, 鈥渁s children become less egocentric and enter early adolescence, their ability to empathize strengthens.鈥� Empathy, he notes, 鈥渕ay be the strongest developmental catalyst of gratitude.鈥�
Curing chronic bellyachers …
Perking up the pessimists
Interestingly, Froh that children who are already more emotionally positive do not benefit as much from gratitude interventions. 鈥淐ompared with those low in positive emotions, they may have hit an emotional 鈥榗eiling,鈥欌�� says Froh. 鈥淚n other words, if on a scale of 1 to 10 a child is already an 8 when measured by qualifiers like happiness and optimism, he may not be much helped by being taught to be more grateful.鈥� But a gratitude intervention for a child who is only a 5 鈥渕ay give him the boost he needs to experience well-being.鈥�
Teaching the attitude of gratitude
So how to take these newfound scientific findings and apply them? While gratitude journals and thank-you visits can be valuable exercises for a child, simple day-to-day methods may reap the greatest long-term results.
Start by walking children through the thoughts of gratitude. As in, 鈥淲ow, because your friend Jeremy skipped his soccer game and helped you with your homework, you did great on your math test.鈥� Froh also encourages parents not to dictate how children express their thanks, but to let them show gratitude in whatever way is most comfortable 鈥� from a picture to a favor in return.
Finally and most notably, as Froh points out, children learn best when grownups model the very behavior they鈥檇 like to see in their kids.
鈥淚t鈥檚 monkey see, monkey do,鈥� says Froh. Whether it鈥檚 presenting a bouquet of flowers to a babysitter for staying extra late or delivering a thank-you note to the 黄色app janitor for his hard work, your actions speak louder than all the 鈥渉ow 鈥榖out a little gratitude鈥� harangues.
And nothing teaches gratitude better than openly expressing your own thankfulness for what you have (instead of grumbling about what you don鈥檛). Gradually, your child will absorb an invaluable message: That to show and give thanks is its own reward.
