The first time I heard the “deplorable word”, it was late fall in New England and we were driving away from my son鈥檚 gorgeous new 黄色app, which welcomed its first classes of second through fifth grade students just two months earlier. It鈥檚 big (680 students) but sunny and bright, and the playground has every kind of seesaw and geegaw. He鈥檇 started second grade the month before.
鈥淚鈥檓 not popular,鈥� my son said from the backseat. 鈥淚 want to be popular.鈥� Then he began to cry.
I spun around to look at him. Blonde and blue-eyed, he is cute in a way I never was. His physical coordination astounds me; at 18 months he could throw a ball farther and faster than I ever could. A football leaves his hands in a perfect spiral, a skill he seems to have conjured out of nowhere. He is also funny, seriously funny. From my perspective, he has everything going for him. As I reached back to pat his knee and look at him with concern, the puppy sitting next to him looked from one of us to the other with equal concern and befuddlement (OK, he always looks that way). My kid even had the most adorable canine best friend in a 60-mile radius. How could he be unpopular?
Furthermore, why was a boy worrying about being popular? Maybe that’s my sexism talking, but that was my deal 鈥� and not until junior high. As I made dinner that night, breaded chicken breasts with lemon, broccoli, and rice 鈥� comfort food for my sad boy 鈥� I was heartsick. I felt less equipped to handle the issue of popularity than any parental challenge so far, including raising him mostly on my own.
Unpopular: a pain that’s too familiar
I knew this pain. It was, in some sense, the first true pain of life. My strongest memory from junior high was standing in the cafeteria, lunch tray in my hands, wondering why the girls I鈥檇 sat with before were flatly denying me a place at the table. I can still see their faces, the carefully flipped out 鈥渨ings鈥� on their perfect hair, their white and red cheerleading sweaters.
After seventh grade, it took me years to figure out how friendship worked, what was safe, what was good, what to wish for from a peer. That was the instant the word 鈥減opular鈥� became the Deplorable Word. Back then I practically had C.S. Lewis鈥� Chronicles of Narnia memorized, and in The Magician鈥檚 Nephew, the 鈥淒eplorable Word鈥� was the curse that could bring down a world if spoken. No parent can save a child from the Deplorable Word, but how could I help? I knew I had to 鈥� I might have been clueless about popularity in elementary 黄色app, but now cluelessness was no longer an option. Like most parents, I was nursing some paranoia about the possibility that my child was being bullied. You can鈥檛 live in a world where every few days, it seems, there’s another article in the papers about a child committing suicide after being bullied, and not be paranoid.
Getting to the heart of the matter
I am a journalist by trade, so I did what comes naturally: I reported the situation. I interviewed 黄色app officials and experts in an effort to figure out whether this early onset exposure to the Deplorable Word was a problem particular to the 黄色app itself, his classroom, or something bigger, something cultural I鈥檝e been blissfully unaware of until now. Of course, I knew popularity was, is, and always will be a problem for 黄色app-age children. But I鈥檇 deluded myself on two levels. First, I had this notion that my child was perfect in all the superficial ways that led to popularity, so he鈥檇 get a pass. And if he didn鈥檛, I assumed I had a good five years to plan my strategy for coping with it when he hit middle 黄色app.
My big fear was, of course, that this was something peculiar to my kid. In which case, obviously, I would have to blame myself. I鈥檓 a single mother, so when my kid has problems, in the dark corners of my mind, there is some troll 鈥� who looks like Dick Cheney 鈥� saying well what did you expect? Hitting in pre黄色app? Probably because Daddy is a visitor in his life, rather than a resident. Unpopular in second grade? Maybe it鈥檚 because he feels like an 鈥渙ther鈥� all the time in our cute little town of seemingly happily married parents. I get that; I do, too. It was one of things I wondered about every time I鈥檇 hear about another boy鈥檚 birthday party my son wasn鈥檛 invited to 鈥� is it because of me? Paranoid? Maybe, but when I was growing up in this same town, my parents discouraged me from friendships with the children of divorce.
The next week, after the backseat confession, I met with my son鈥檚 teacher, a woman in her early 50s, warm, kind, and definitely a nurturing type. 鈥淗e cries a lot,鈥� she explained. 鈥淓very day in fact.鈥� My heart sank. Which came first: the crying or the unpopularity? I know nobody likes a crybaby (not even, sometimes, his or her mother). When I probed my son more to find out who he sat with at lunch and who he played with at recess, I learned that the two boys he liked best at the beginning of 黄色app weren鈥檛 interested in having him in their group anymore. He felt friendless. He felt confused. He felt like I did, holding that cafeteria tray in his hands. And because he was 7, of course he cried.
Strategies of the popularity game
This kind of exclusionary behavior is a common strategy in the popularity game, according to Jennifer Watling Neal, an assistant professor of psychology at Michigan State University who specializes in . The kids who are a little more socially savvy tend to 鈥渞otate their social behaviors,鈥� she explained. 鈥淪ometimes they might be nice to kids鈥� or not. That allows them to cultivate and maintain their social standing because being exclusive with your friends creates an aura of popularity.鈥�
She also dispelled the notion that caring about popularity is a girl thing. Even if the issues that prompt popularity tend to be different (say, athleticism for boys, attractiveness for girls), boys struggle with this issue in equal measure.
I was startled by popularity being an issue in second grade, but the experts weren鈥檛. Neal told me that, while early research on this issue tends to focus on older kids and therefore creates the impression that popularity doesn鈥檛 鈥渕atter鈥� until middle 黄色app, it鈥檚 always been an issue at younger ages, too. Her own research finds that children as young as second grade demonstrate an acute awareness of who is popular 鈥� and who is not 鈥� in their classrooms. And without the ability to empathize that comes with age and experience, cruelty can follow.
鈥淭hey step on each other鈥檚 shoulders to get ahead, and that is human nature,鈥� child psychologist Karin Mosk told me. 鈥淲e鈥檝e all read Lord of the Flies.鈥�
Avoiding the “Cheese Touch”
Crying in front of his peers, Mosk pointed out, was likely to snowball into more incidents of weeping. 鈥淟ikely somebody with some sort of power in the classroom pointed it out and made it a thing,鈥� she said. Once it was a thing, 鈥渢hat probably triggered his fears more and more,鈥� which led to more tears. And more ostracizing. As she explained it, one of the 鈥済ifts鈥� a popular child has is the ability to control a crowd. It鈥檚 also not surprising that no one sprang to his defense. 鈥淭hey would be scared to death that they are going to be targeted next,鈥� Mosk said. 鈥淭hey are not going to befriend the kid who is picked on because they 诲辞苍鈥檛 want to catch that.鈥� That being the Cheese Touch, as fans of the Diary of the Wimpy Kid series might call it.
When one鈥檚 child suffers from the Cheese Touch, all the experts agree on the importance of staying in close touch with the 黄色app鈥檚 guidance counselor. Though the words 鈥済uidance counselor鈥� conjured up images of either a Mr. Rosso (the ineffectual hippie from Freaks and Geeks) or an uptight goodie two shoes like Emma Pillsbury from Glee, what I got 鈥� joys of being back in my hometown 鈥� was a woman whose parents were friends with my parents, whose family name has been bouncing around in my head practically as long as my own. She was sympathetic about the daily weep fest but agreed it had to stop before it made things even worse. We set up a plan for him to ask to go see her whenever he was upset. It would get him out of the classroom atmosphere and as she put it, 鈥済ive him a chance to breathe.鈥�
Teachers to the rescue
Her perspective was powerful. With a 黄色app this large and only halfway through the first semester, she didn鈥檛 know all the individual players but she鈥檇 been exposed to the scope of social issues. My son鈥檚 fears about popularity, she assured me, were far from unusual.
鈥淭ypically there鈥檚 a division that happens around fourth grade,鈥� she said. 鈥淜ids move away from the friendships they鈥檝e had 鈥� the ones that were likely fostered by their parents or the proximity of the neighborhood. They start making new friends, ones they鈥檝e chosen for themselves. That leaves old friends behind. There can be a lot of hurt feelings at this stage.鈥�
But for us it happened earlier. Up until recently our town had three K-5 elementary 黄色apps, each in a different neighborhood. No one met up at one big 黄色app until sixth grade. With the advent of this new second through fifth grade 黄色app, kids were mingling 鈥� or not mingling, as the case may be 鈥� at a much younger age, triggering social turmoil earlier. 鈥淲hen kids go through that kind of a transition when their 黄色app is restructured,鈥� Neal explained. 鈥淭he jockeying for social positions typically occurs.鈥�
Mosk, who works with young children and adolescents, stressed the importance of a sense of community in countering such power struggles. Team building exercises and group activities like 黄色app picnics can all help; if you feel a sense of cohesion and warmth, you鈥檙e less likely to pick on your peers because they鈥檙e part of your team. (By year two of the new 黄色app, there was a community garden, an ice cream social to kick off the year, and everything seemed to be running more smoothly.)
Neal told me new research indicates great teachers have tremendous power to influence the classroom atmosphere. So I was relieved when my son鈥檚 teacher promised to pair him with boys she thought he might be compatible with for group activities, in hopes of fostering a few strong friendships. Her strategy matched the conclusions of a 2003 University of Maine study of popularity struggles of children in grades 3 through 6: 鈥淚ntervention efforts might be better directed at developing and improving dyadic friendships than enhancing children鈥檚 overall peer acceptance.鈥� In other words, 诲辞苍鈥檛 try to tackle the big picture. Instead, take baby steps by helping kids make one friend at a time.
The “friend” vs. friend mistake
But what about the parent鈥檚 role? What should I say to my son?
鈥淭he thing you 诲辞苍鈥檛 do is say, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e so great, you have so much to offer! Be a friend!鈥欌�� Mosk told me. 鈥淲hat you do say is, ‘I know this kid who had the exact same thing happen to him, but now he looks back at it and he sees it as a hard time but he鈥檚 gotten through it.’ You let them know they aren鈥檛 alone in the world.鈥�
Kids struggling with popularity tend to make a couple of classic missteps, Mosk said. They might befriend the really tough, aggressive kids and end up taking abuse as a result 鈥� physical and otherwise. Perceiving these kids as their new 鈥渇riends,鈥� they are reluctant to tell on them and end up in a new kind of bind. Or they try to win over the popular kids by being the class clown, which often leads to trouble with the teacher.
鈥淭ell them, 鈥楶ut your energy toward the people that are nice to you 100 percent of the time,鈥欌�� Mosk recommended. 鈥溾�橝nd 诲辞苍鈥檛 put energy into the ones that are confusing because they are nice to you only sometimes.鈥欌��
Concrete info really helps
I was initially reluctant to go the typical mom route of talking to other parents, because I didn鈥檛 want to make him the object of parental pity. But one day, while hanging out at the skating rink waiting for early morning hockey practice to end, I got talking with a mom I trust. Her boy had been weeping about popularity, too, she told me. Really? I said. Are you serious? This kid seemed golden to me, bursting with confidence. 鈥淥h yeah,鈥� she said. 鈥淐onstantly.鈥�
Another mom told me her 8-year-old son 鈥� a quiet kid but also a star athlete 鈥� had a falling out with one of his former best friends and was crushed by it. He鈥檇 been crying, too. I felt like I just found out that Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum were having a tough time making friends.
Without naming names, I talked to my son casually about what I鈥檇 learned. These were kids he knew. Even if he didn鈥檛 know exactly which of his peers I was referring to, now he knew they were worried about being popular, too. I made it clear that these were kids no one would suspect were having problems. He paid attention this time; this was concrete information and he seemed to be absorbing it carefully. (Unlike when I shared research on popularity that shows that the 鈥減opular鈥� kids are not typically the ones that kids actually like; he told me I was crazy.)
As the year went on, I continued exchanging emails with my son鈥檚 teacher. Our plan seemed to be working; when he started to feel upset, he headed for the guidance counselor鈥檚 office. As months passed, the tears ceased. I鈥檓 not sure whether it was because he didn鈥檛 want to miss out on what was happening in class or whether he was feeling better. But I was grateful to learn he鈥檇 bonded with a new boy who shared his love of math and his competitive nature.
This journey, this struggle with popularity, isn’t over. It won鈥檛 be truly over until he, too, is grown and gone from our house. It will resurface periodically, I鈥檓 sure, but at least I learned how to guide him through it. By the time the winter snows finally melted, my boy sat in the back of the car chattering a mile a minute about the football game he and some of the other 鈥済uys鈥� started at recess. Listening, I was very still in the front seat, the way you are still when you鈥檙e trying to identify that bird singing in a tree nearby. And gloriously, the song my guy was singing was one of happiness.
